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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Keep a close watch on your financial situation. An opportunity to make some subtle changes will allow you the freedom you’ve been looking for. A romantic problem will leave you in limbo.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Troubles at home and with your relationships can be expected. Don’t let a stubborn attitude lead to problems you can’t reverse. Focus on your goals, not silly arguments.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Your involvement in a good cause can be beneficial, but if you are too busy doing all the work, you will miss meeting someone with something to offer you. An unexpected change of plans must be handled honestly.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Don’t be afraid of change, and you won’t be disappointed. Networking can broaden your awareness while helping you scope out some interesting alternatives to the way you live your life.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Get business out of the way before you decide to play. Emotional deception can be costly if you listen to a risky scheme. Focus on your goals, completing your work, and getting together with friends, lovers, or family.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Don’t believe everything you hear. You will be up against some tough competition, but if you are honest about who you are and what you have to offer, you will win in the end. Love is in the stars, whether you are with someone or single.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The more time you spend talking to others, the sooner you will realize how much you have to offer. An interesting change regarding working will leave you open to take on a project that offers greater income.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You need to forget about serious issues and take a moment to relax. If you push to get things done, you will hit a brick wall. You will accomplish so much more if you can distance yourself from business and emotional worries that cannot be resolved quite yet.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You will come into money in an unusual way, but if you aren’t honest and upfront, you will face opposition. Keep a low profile, and don’t share information on how much you have or are entitled to receive. Exaggeration will lead to trouble.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Join forces with people who have similar interests, and you will make headway. Don’t, however, believe everything you hear. Check out references, and ask questions that will allow you to decide who is a good fit for you and who isn’t.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Someone is likely to withhold information. Be as honest as you can. Offer alternatives if someone is dissatisfied with your plans. Be willing to work with what’s being offered, and you will find common ground.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): If you want to know what’s going on, ask. Your ability to twist things around to fit your needs will enable you to control a situation that has the potential to spin out of control. Don’t fall victim to uncertainty when a decision must be made in order to get ahead.

 

 

 

 


Things I’m wondering about as Tax Day approaches

• Do I have to pay taxes on all the identities I’ve stolen, or just the ones that don’t belong to dead people or illegal immigrants?

• Are frat pledges considered dependents or property?

• Do I have to pay capital-gains taxes on buried treasure I’ve unearthed?

• What if I buried the same or a larger amount of money in the same calendar year?

• Can I deduct charitable donations made to appease my multiple personalities?

• Can I write off the numerous fines and restitution I’ve paid for destruction of public property? I mean, seriously guys, you’ve already gotten that money once.

• If I go to the IRS, flip over a desk, and yell, “Not in my house, moneychanger!” do I get a free pass for making a hilarious religious reference?

• (Note to those of you who like to send me persnickety rants about my vocabulary choices: IRS workers are a bunch of “moneychangers.” They change “my money” into “not my money.” So I’d argue they qualify. Stupid jerks.)

• Can I my get return in the form of Easy Mac, Ramen, and/or SPAM?

• Does all the money I lost gambling at the Indian casinos in South Dakota count as a charitable donation?

• Do guitar lessons count as career-advancement classes?

• What about “Guitar Hero” lessons?

• Instead of paying, can I just spend a weekend in jail?

• Can I pick the weekend?










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