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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Take a back seat if it will help you avoid opposition or meddling. Don’t confide in anyone for now. You will be misinterpreted easily. It will be hard to cover up or reverse any mistakes made.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Short trips or educational activities will motivate you and give you greater vocational options. Avoid any sort of pressure situation. Activities that will help get you into shape will be your best recourse.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You can expect to encounter unanticipated alterations because of responsibilities concerning children or elders. Treat your hobbies or sideline ventures as serious pastimes with the potential for profit. A love interest will be enticing but risky.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): New business connections can be made through the company you keep and the way you handle the situations you face. Don’t let emotions rule, causing you to miss out on the potential for greater freedom.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Don’t waste time arguing when you should be brainstorming. Opportunities do exist — all you have to do is recognize them and put your heart into making things work. Don’t push others when it’s you who needs to be shoved.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Take aggressive action when it comes to money, health, or legal matters. Show your competitive drive so that no one will misunderstand your earnest intentions. A change to your current financial situation can turn a negative investment into a positive prospect.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Not everyone will be as open as you are. Hold back a little until you know what everyone else is thinking. Be strong, and wait until you feel comfortable making a move. Volunteer work will open your eyes to a host of new avenues.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Don’t let added responsibilities get you down. Focus, instead, on the opportunities that will help you get ahead. Take a different approach to something you have done in the past, and you will attract greater interest this time around.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Don’t make last-minute changes or try to meddle in someone’s affairs. Focus on love, romance, and keeping the peace with the people who have the potential to change your status or financial situation.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Be careful how you spend your time. If you neglect someone or something important, you will end up with an emotional problem. Aggressive action is likely to lead to obstacles and limitations. Take one step at a time.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Job projects should be at the top of your list. Ask friends and family to keep an eye out for a position that might interest you. You will reach your goals if you send out résumés or talk to people you have worked with in the past.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You’ll be faced with uncertainty when dealing with a partnership. Try not to limit your options. If you are honest about what you can and cannot do, you will come out ahead in the end. Don’t let someone push you out of the way.





A partial list of things I should probably tell every prospective girlfriend

• I like my women like I like my joke structures … old and overused.

• I once had a relationship with Plato. Ironically, it was very sexual.

• I built and own my own muscle car once. It took a lot of time, effort, and stolen cadavers.

• I will probably always love my cat, Merriam, more than you — chiefly because I suspect she may be a Lesser Aspect of the Second Coming. She loves everyone — black, white, yellow, red, brown, human, feline, canine, big, small, old, and young. It doesn’t matter if it’s a stuffed animal, pillow, clean pair of black slacks, or discarded shoebox; she will love it. Loving things is her *will* and it shall be done. She exhibits no hatreds, extols no prejudices, and holds no grudges. She is perfect in her love, and every single day she tries with all the might in her tiny, peanut-sized brain to pass this message along to all she meets by pudgy example.

• There’s a small cult in the backwoods of northwestern Florida dedicated to me and my numerous works.

• I will never host a New Year’s Eve party; the very last way I want to start any new year is by cleaning up vomit in various areas of my house.

• Due solely to bacon, I’ve failed numerous attempts at becoming a vegetarian.

• I often wish I carried a handkerchief, but refuse to, as I never learned what colors were safe according to the hanky code.

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