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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Concentrate on what you can do for others, and good things will happen in return. The joy you spread and the ideas you share will lead to an interesting relationship. A self-improvement project will pay off. Don’t travel unless it’s necessary.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)): Avoid arguing with people you have to deal with regularly, or you will be faced with financial and emotional restrictions. Remain open to suggestions, and don’t allow your stubbornness to hamper your ability to advance.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You may think you are invincible, but if you don’t listen to the advice being offered, you may end up redoing, replacing, or, even worse, losing a good friend. You may be tempted to lend or borrow money or possessions, but problems or complications will set in.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): An old idea or plan will help you out of a tight squeeze. A change at work will lead to better opportunities and possible advancement. Don’t limit what you can do or how far you can go because you fear the unknown.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Shake things up a bit. Sign up for a course, and you will discover a new way to make a little extra cash. Be careful not to let someone you are in a relationship with stifle your plans or restrict what you can and cannot do.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Listen carefully to what’s being said. A partnership you have may not deliver what was promised. Do your share of the work, but don’t offer to take on what someone else is supposed to do.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Lean toward creative endeavors that allow you to use your talent and skills. A relationship will be enhanced if you share your ideas. Don’t fight change when it’s essential for getting ahead.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Take part in activities or events that will help you personally and professionally. Don’t let emotional matters that arise with family, relatives, or a neighbor slow you down. Someone is withholding the truth.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The emphasis you put on having fun may be held against you if you don’t pull your weight or live up to your promises. Problems with authority figures, agencies, or institutions will cost you financially.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): People from your past can influence the decisions you make now. Honesty regarding the way you feel about someone is a must. Don’t confuse someone’s generous nature or kindness for love.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): It’s what you do for others that will count. Your generosity will bring all sorts of rewards. Sincerity and an honest display of emotion will capture someone’s interest. A relationship based on finances will limit what you can do.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Moderation will be your friend. As soon as you make grandiose plans, you will fall short of your goals. Uncertainties are apparent in a personal relationship. Before you make a commitment, know what you are getting into.

 

 

 

 


General and unsolicited advice

• They bother to print expiration dates on things for a reason.

• If you attempt to remain drunk the entire week leading up to your wedding, then you are about to marry the wrong person.

• Always keep an empty Gatorade bottle in your car for emergencies. Always.

• Wearing bright red briefs over skinny Levi’s doesn’t make you Superman, regardless of what your friends tell you. (Or your dad, for that matter.)

• If there’s ever a question, always assume it’s flammable.

• Razor wire should not be used for shaving; it works equally as poorly as guitar string.

• “I would never set out to cheat on you,” is not the same thing as saying, “I would never cheat on you.”

• And try as one might, neither is a guarantee.

• The best way to assess the nationality of an Asian person is to ask, “What country were you born in?” It is not, “What are you?”

• Family reunions are a bad place to take girlfriends.

• Family reunions are also a bad place to meet girlfriends.

• Family reunions are, however, a great place to meet one-night stands.

• Christmas dinner in county lockup is the same as Tuesday dinner in a county lockup, only with a Snickers bar.











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