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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Keep an open mind, and share opinions with people from different walks of life. Travel will help you realize what you want to do in the future. Uncertainty will lead to inconsistency and must be kept to a minimum.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Keep your eyes wide open, and do what you can to help others. Your gestures of friendliness will pay off. An open-ended opportunity will lead to knowledge that will help you move forward with a plan you’ve had for a long time.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Keep your thoughts to yourself. Not everyone will be trustworthy. Don’t be fooled by insincere gestures of friendliness. Don’t lend or borrow with someone you consider to be a friend.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Do what you say, and you will make a good impression. Don’t fear being a little different; in the end, it will set you apart from the competition. Focus on advancement.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Don’t jump too quickly, or you will make a poor choice. Take your time, especially when it involves money or a contract. Romance is in the stars if you stick to socializing instead of trying to do business.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Opportunities to make some alterations are apparent, but don’t trade one set of problems for another. Meddling in someone else’s life will come back to bite you. Don’t take part in something you know is wrong.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Emotional conversations will be upsetting if you take what’s said too seriously. Spending too much time with someone you work with may lead to trouble, especially if you share some of your personal thoughts or secrets.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Your creative, intuitive know-how will surprise everyone, including yourself. You will open up avenues that were closed to you in the past. Network as much as you can, and you will meet someone with good connections and positive ideas.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You’ll have a hard time getting away with anything, so keep things as close to the truth as possible. Don’t exaggerate or make impossible promises. Focus on the one you love and how you can make improvements to your home, lifestyle, and relationship.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Someone from your past will offer to help you with an old idea, but before you dump your responsibility on someone else, realize the job will not be done to your satisfaction or specifications. A partnership will need some new rules if it’s going to be workable.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Extend a helping hand, but do so with sincerity. If you are expecting something in return, you will be disappointed. You cannot push others to do things your way. Uncertainty regarding money, a settlement, or contract will cause anxiety.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Don’t let emotional situations lead to overreacting, overdoing, or overindulging. You will invite criticism and partnership problems if you are difficult to deal with. Contain your feelings; acting prematurely could lead to a ruined reputation or relationship.

 

 

 

 


My Oscar predictions, all of which came true

• I will make continual and obnoxious references to “Baba Wawa” and her final Oscars special throughout the evening.

• I will mercilessly mock the unprofessionalism of E!’s entire staff during their preshow coverage.

• I will threaten physical violence prior to the announcement of the Award for Best Supporting Actor in the event that Christoph Waltz doesn’t win.

• My vicious rhetoric will be rightly disregarded as a series of empty threats by the entirety of my invited guests.

• I will openly deconstruct every reason given to me for the presence of any of the following: Andy Dick, Amanda Bynes, anyone with the last name Kardashian, and either half of “Speidi.”

• I will be drunk by 8 p.m. Eastern.

• I will gush over Tina Fey to the point that my girlfriend will be forced to move across the room to the other couch in an effort to avoid smacking me.

• I will take a bathroom break during the recap of the Technical Achievement winners, all awarded earlier.

• I will have heard of approximately six of the 30 people recognized during the “In Memoriam” segment.

• Out of respect, I will pretend to have heard of them all.

• I will use the phrase “there will be blood” at least six times.

• I will be statistically eliminated from winning my own Oscar betting pool before the Best Actress category is announced … for the third straight year.

• I will be asleep and snoring by the time the Best Picture winner is announced.











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