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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Do what you can to fix up your domestic environment. A change of plans may come about suddenly; try not to let whatever happens stop you from enjoying time spent with family, friends, or your lover.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Keep busy, especially when you are around home and dealing with family or friends. Tempers will mount if you are too aggressive or stubborn. Focus on what you can do for those less fortunate.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): A sincere offering of the way you feel and what you intend to do will enable you to turn a problem you face into a positive experience. Don’t let anyone take advantage of your kindness, generosity, or your skills.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): You can make some serious changes that will alter your life forever. An unusual opportunity must not be passed by because of fears. A partnership you are involved in will take an upward swing if you are willing to try something new.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You will inspire others to support your efforts. Money, adventure, and travel can all bring about new friendships and the possibility of financial gains. A love relationship will grow if you are attentive.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): What you have to offer will lead to all sorts of benefits — personally, emotionally, and financially. Opportunities to get involved with people you respect are apparent and will aid you in reaching some of your longtime goals. Love is up for grabs.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Expect to be deluged with all sorts of changes where work, friendships, and your lifestyle are concerned. You cannot skip a beat, or you will miss out on an unusual and gratifying experience.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You’ll be torn between the good and the bad. Don’t let the bad overrule what you do. Getting angry will defeat the purpose and cause you to miss out on an interesting opportunity that can change your life. Focus on the pluses.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You may have to pull up stakes and make a move if you want to stay on top of your finances. Don’t expect friends or family to help you out, or you will be disappointed. Make decisions based on facts, figures, and what will serve you best.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Look at the people you have associated with in the past before you decide to make a change. Partnering with someone you know you can trust will make your job much easier. An old friend will help you make a good choice.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Take advantage of a job offer. You will have a gut feeling that will enable you to make a good choice regarding a financially beneficial partnership or move. Your ability to excel will push you to greater heights.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Your instincts are good, and your ability to attract attention will drum up personal and professional interest. Enjoy the time you spend with friends, colleagues, and your lover. Each will offer you good suggestions.

 

 

 

 


Reasons I should never have a baby

• To keep it warm, I would wrap it in a huge Afghan that I would call “Dingo.”

• I would be annoyed when the child did not appreciate my witty pop-culture references.

• I would use lecture halls as daycare centers.

• There’s already a federal court injunction prohibiting me from doing so.

• I would try to teach my baby self-sufficiency by making it change its own diapers.

• I would be tempted to use, “My baby ate my homework” as an excuse.

• I would be tempted to feed my baby my homework.

• Babies have no idea how major and minor thirds work and would restrict my karaoke duet possibilities.

• I absolutely HATE sharing my crayons.

• I’m afraid my birthing canal isn’t wide enough for a natural delivery, and a cesarean scar would ruin my kickin’ bikini bod.

• I could no longer use the pickup line, “Wanna see my little friend?” as it would then refer to my baby.

• Babies are terrible wingmen.

• I would be tempted to sell the corporate naming rights to my child (I would still love my little Nickelodeon eBay Johnson & Johnson).

• Do you have any idea how often I drive off with my coffee on top of my roof?!

• I don’t need yet another person in the world who’s better than me at Mario Kart Wii.

• It’s hard to binge drink with the judgmental eyes of a child staring at you. Hard, but not impossible.









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