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ARIES (March 21-April 19): You will face barriers trying to get others to see and do things to your specifications. Don’t waste time trying to get others to pitch in. Instead, do what you want rapidly and efficiently so that no one can question your motives.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Don’t be afraid to push your weight around, especially if there is a cause or concern you care about and want to get involved in. Your ability to persuade others to see the need for reform and change could lead to prestige and financial gain.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Concentrate on the positive changes you can make and on your professional position. A chance to alter your career choice or get involved in something that really interests you is apparent — if you don’t allow someone to stand in your way.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): A love connection is looking good. Spend time with that special person, or attend a function where you can meet someone new and exciting. Mixing business with pleasure will meet with approval both personally and professionally.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Check out the possibility of turning one of your investments into something more substantial. Buying and selling property or making a move that will allow you greater freedom or professional choices should be considered. A change of scenery will do you good.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Take advantage of everything and anything being offered. Opportunities are abundant if you investigate what’s going on around you. Talks will lead to progress and being honest about your needs will help you get what you want.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You may want to neglect your responsibilities or someone who is depending on you, but consider the consequences. It’s vital that you take charge and care of the people and things that can mess up your game plan in the future.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Travel, attend an exhibit, or join a group that interests you, and you will find opportunities to further your personal and professional goals. Get out, network, promote, and present what you have to offer, and the results you get will be overwhelming.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Be careful how you handle your money and your professional affairs. Personal setbacks at home will cause you to lose ground emotionally and hurt your reputation. Do not make any hasty moves without doing your homework.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Go the extra mile, and impress someone you care about or want to get to know better. A blast from your past will be entertaining. A career change with an unusual twist will bring you closer to a life long goal.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Giving false hope or pretenses will not go over well when you don’t follow through. Focus on the people in your life whom you love. Be honest about your habits and the things that need changing.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Self-evaluation will do you some good. The ideas you have that will enable you to utilize your skills more will help you advance personally and professionally. It’s never too late to start something new or to resurrect an old goal.





A partial list of things I should probably tell every prospective girlfriend

• I’m pretty sure that I’m lactose intolerant; every time I have a dozen or so White Russians, I throw up.

• I don’t drink and drive; I do it at the stoplights.

• For certain reasons that I am legally bound not to disclose, I am not allowed in any bird sanctuary in any North American zoo. Also, most of the South American zoos. And a few Asian ones.

• I play GTA every day just to keep my homicidal tendencies in check.

• You can’t read my poker face.

• I do nearly all my reading on the toilet. I don’t know why, but there’s just something about the invention of the toilet that fascinates me.

• Me’s New Year’s resolution was to get more better at English. And because I is so well, I done already did it already.

• I’ve robbed at least a dozen banks in my time, and I have the pens to prove it.

• I get high on Life (the cereal). It’s a little hard to smoke, but it does have a nice, cinnamon aftertaste.

• I didn’t like “Jersey Shore” because it perpetuates the stereotype that Oompa Loompas have bad hair and like to fight.

• I hate people who misuse ellipses …

• I don’t like going to bars because it’s just paying to stand around awkwardly, and I could get that for free by playing in any pickup basketball game.

• People say that I am callous, but I really have the heart of a small child. I keep it in a jar in my desk.

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