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ARIES (March 21-April 19): You may feel the urge to help others, but don’t do so at the expense of avoiding your own chores or missing an event or activity that you want to attend. It may seem selfish, but you must put yourself first. You can offer suggestions, but not hands-on help.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Don’t let confusion push you in the wrong direction. If you become stubborn, you will face defeat. Remain calm and offer to do your part. Love is in the stars, and if you focus on pleasing the person you care about most, you will bypass an emotional mishap.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Your ability to know instinctively how you can make life easier for others will, in turn, bring you the backing you need to develop an idea you’ve been toying with. Don’t let your personal life hinder your productivity.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Take advantage of any opportunity to meet new people, discuss new projects, or start something new that can turn into a lucrative pastime. An old friend will need help finding a solution to a pressing problem.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Uncertainty will make it difficult to make a decision that deals with your geographical location and earning a living. Someone you least expect will be able to help you see things more clearly. Avoid making assumptions.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You can get all wrapped up in the melodrama going on around you, or you can distance yourself and advance beyond your expectations. An opportunity to form a business or personal partnership is apparent. Don’t let your heart rule your head.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You may not be able to please everyone, but that doesn’t mean you should stop moving in a direction that suits your needs. Expect changes to occur at work. Concentrate on networking and entertaining the people who can influence your position.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Take the initiative, and put your creative ideas on the table. Your aggressive action will bring positive results and responses from someone you least expect. A change at home will throw you for a loop.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You may want to dump your responsibilities in someone else’s lap, but in doing so, you will lose control of an important project. Let your intuition guide you, not your emotions. Uncertainty at home will cause some upset.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): There is potential to make money if you incorporate old ideas into new projects. A partnership you once had will surface, but before you get involved, consider the emotional turmoil that occurred in the past.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You won’t be thinking clearly when it comes to your personal life and matters pertaining to your home and family. Get things out in the open, and you will feel better about the decisions you make. Don’t let overindulgence be your downfall.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Secrets are apparent. You will have to ask the right questions if you don’t want to be led astray. Don’t take action until you have all the facts. Focus on work, money and getting ahead.





Amazing, but true (but not)

• The moon landing was a hoax; it was staged on Mars.

• Sheep can read goats’ minds, but they rarely do (goats think boring thoughts).

• Vultures are the only animal known to make ironic statements to prey before eating it.

• The role of Sarah Connor in the *The Terminator* was originally conceived and written for Martin Short.

• The Moon is actually just the backside of the Sun.

• Cap’n Crunch received a Purple Heart and two Silver Stars fighting the Soggies during the Gulf of Tonkin Incident.

• The average child goes through 730 crayons before turning 10. (Five hundred of those crayons go through the child, as well.)

• On average, five stars are born each year in the Milky Way Galaxy, but the Sun never goes to their baby showers.

• Horses can distinguish between emotions in human speech. That and the massive size of their genitalia are the two main reasons most women prefer horses to boyfriends.

• The average person eats nine spiders during his or her lifetime: eight while sleeping and one because of a lost bet.

• McDonald’s is the world’s largest distributor of toys, minimum wage jobs, and diabetes.

• Lightning is afraid of the dark.

• Prostitution isn’t the world’s oldest profession; pimping is.

• Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb are the same person. THE SAME PERSON, I SAY!

• Eighty-five percent of all deer are suicidal.

• All toothpicks come from bonsai trees.

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