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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Professional troubles will lead to greater problems with colleagues, peers, or institutions you deal with. Stay centered and in control. Take positive action rather than yielding to frustration.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Not everyone will agree with your plans, but if you honestly are trying to help others, you will gain support. Your tendency to change your mind will leave you open to criticism. Your leadership qualities will make a lasting impression.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Don’t allow anyone to take advantage of your enthusiasm or your skills. Only offer the time, talent, and cash you feel comfortable contributing. If someone asks for more, be very clear what you expect in return. A relationship is likely to undergo changes.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Travel or reconnect with an old friend. Engage in any opportunity to learn something new that you may be able to use to earn more money. A move or making alterations to your home will help to stabilize your position.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Don’t let a few minor changes throw your schedule and plans for a loop. Proactive, positive action will help you stay on track. Take the path that suits your needs, not someone else’s. Speak your mind — but with diplomacy.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Unexpected change regarding a settlement, financial deal, or legal contract is apparent. You will have to be open-minded if you are going to move forward with your current plans. Don’t let uncertainty be your downfall.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Someone may try to take advantage of your skills if you are too easygoing or willing to lend a hand. If you don’t say no, you will not have time to finish your own pursuits. Make positive changes at home and alleviate pressure.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): It will take determination and willpower to outmaneuver someone who is working against you. Now is not the time to let others see your weaknesses. Put time aside for love and romance late in the day.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Don’t count on anything or anyone. Just when you think you have everything all worked out, you will be thrown a curve ball that will send you spinning. Stay calm, watch what everyone else is doing, and think before you speak.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You are usually tied to routine, but by shaking things up a little, you can ensure that you stay in control. An unusual connection to your past will renew some of your thoughts regarding the goals you want to achieve this year.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Let the past go so that you can move forward. You are only fooling yourself if you continue to spin your wheels and do nothing that encourages better prospects in the future. Don’t get angry with the people trying to help you.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): A creative idea you put to rest should be reinstated. Approach someone with experience and knowledge to pull off the type of engaging project you want to pursue. If your intentions are honorable, you can start anew.

 

 

 

 


How I celebrated Presidents Day

• In honor of Obama, I hated Republicans.

• In honor of G.W. Bush, I took a vacation day.

• In honor of Clinton, I smoked a cigar.

• In honor of G.H.W. Bush, I thought about not having children.

• In honor of Reagan, I tried to impose Christian morals on a chimpanzee, failed to carry Minnesota, and … where am I?

• In honor of Carter, I ate some peanuts.

• In honor of Ford, I wasn’t elected President.

• In honor of Nixon, I blacked out for 18.5 minutes.

• In honor of LBJ, I had a BLT and a PB&J.

• In honor of JFK, I thought about Marilyn Monroe in the shower.

• In honor of Eisenhower, I sat in traffic for an hour on I-380.

• In honor of Truman, I asked all my coworkers if they were communists.

• In honor of FDR, I slapped Jenny McCarthy for thinking vaccines are bad.

• In honor of Hoover, I vacuumed.

• In honor of Coolidge, I was glad I wasn’t President in October 1929.

• In honor of Harding, I wished for better, smarter friends.

• In honor of Wilson, I came up with 14 reasons I’d like to go to Versailles.

• In honor of Taft, I ate three large sausage pizzas. For breakfast.

• In honor of T. Roosevelt, I got freaking shot right before giving a speech … and still gave the speech.

• In honor of McKinley, I Wikipedia’d William McKinley.

• In honor of Garfield, I ate some lasagna and hated the fact it was a Monday.

• In honor of JQ Adams, I reflected on the lessons our nation learned from having a legacy President elected by another branch of our government instead of by the popular vote.

• In honor of all the Presidents I haven’t yet named, I really only remembered the contributions of Abraham Lincoln.

• In honor of Washington, I came first.









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