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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Explore your creative side, and trust in your ability instead of thinking everyone else can do a better job. Someone or something will continually try to stop you or stand in your way today. Persevere.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): An ulterior motive may lead you in the wrong direction. A promotion or changing from one job to another will be tempting and should be considered, even if someone is encouraging you to stay put. Don’t let someone’s bragging make you feel inferior.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Don’t give up on your goals. Home, family, and getting things in order must take top priority. An emotional issue you have with someone will escalate into something you cannot resolve if you don’t act fast. Moderation will be key.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Make some financial moves that will help you save at tax time. Dig deep for information that will help you make the best choices. A partnership will make you think about your future.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Focus on the people you know can help you get ahead. Work hard, contribute in a positive manner, and you will avoid arguments that can develop into ongoing problems. Say little, but do the best job possible.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Don’t count on anyone doing your work for you if you want it done properly. An emotional issue regarding your personal or professional status may be an issue if you allow someone to pressure you. Use your imagination.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You’ll be pulled in different directions. It’s important that you don’t give in to what others want. Follow your dreams, and venture down your own path if you want to get ahead. If you speak up, you will be heard.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Keep an open mind, or you will make a costly mistake. Don’t argue with a loved one, but don’t give in to something you don’t believe is right either. A short trip may be necessary to clear up a misunderstanding.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Get contracts or financial agreements in writing. Emotions will be unstable when it comes to a personal relationship. It’s time to make a change regarding how you earn your living.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): A change in one of your friendships will take place because of a money matter that arises. Don’t be too quick to trade someone or something in for a newer model because you think it will help you get ahead.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Travel or taking on a new lifestyle or interest will do you good. A change may be required in order to fulfill a dream. A promise made will ensure you get to spend time with someone special.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Check out the importance of each and every situation you face before you make a decision about what to do first. There is a sequence that must be followed if you want to come out unscathed. It will be easy to lose a friend if you aren’t cautious about pointing out blame.

 

 

 

 


A partial list of things I should probably tell every prospective girlfriend

• I’m a strict pacifist. I even only wash my clothes on the gentle cycle.

• I own a pair of glasses that’s dedicated to no other cause than helping me locate my other pair of glasses.

• I hate talking about myself. I already know all there is to know about me; that’s why I like talking about others. And how fat they’re all getting.

• I can’t sing tenor. I don’t know the words.

• I can’t cook worth a damn, but I can place before you a burnt offering.

• I’m happy when I’m in a relationship, but I’m happier when I’m not. (What can I say, I’m a generally happy individual.)

• My father raised me pretty much single-handedly, and to honor him I plan to name my first child, “Dad.”

• I don’t trim my nose hairs. I rip them out by the roots when I’m waiting at red lights.

• I’ve had the same best friend since third grade, and I hate his guts.

• If something itches, I’ll scratch it. Yes, even if it doesn’t belong to me.

• I’m bad at studying. Usually, I just cram all night before a final and hope I pass — kind of like what a lot of old people do with religion.

• I’m paying for my car in installments. Last month, I purchased the seat belts.

• When I was 8, I was thoroughly convinced I was Batman. Today, I’m only mostly sure.









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