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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Follow your instincts when it comes to love and personal relationships. Stick to people who have common interests and beliefs. Socializing will lead to a chance meeting with someone who has something worthwhile to offer.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You may have to confront someone you care for in order to follow through with your plans. Anger will get you nowhere, but generosity, understanding, and the power of persuasion will help you get your way. An authoritative figure will have a change of heart.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You can take care of any personal problems you face with someone you love or want to get into a relationship with by addressing issues head-on. Your intentions will be up for discussion, and you’ll need to explain in depth to put the people you care about at ease.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Don’t overreact or become suspicious when there is nothing to worry about. You will cause problems at a personal level if you try to limit or restrict someone you love. You must hide your emotions even if it is difficult.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Avoid people who are always down-and-out or negative. You need to keep a positive attitude if you want to excel. Take a creative approach to your money matters, and you will find a way to make your dollars work for you.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Welcome any opposition, and you will find out quickly whom you can trust. Changes to your current living arrangements will enable you to accommodate someone or something you want to pursue. Don’t worry about complaints.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Don’t let anything slow you down or stand in your way. Take on whatever challenge you face, and you will surprise someone you want to get to know better. An emotional situation will allow you to make a commitment and stabilize your future.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Look forward with optimism, and stop wasting your time living in the past. You can’t change what’s already happened, but you can do something about the future. Conduct your plans with strength and courage until you reach your goals.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Love, romance, and socializing will bring about opportunities to make significant personal changes. A short trip will pay off if you visit someone you miss or want to reconnect with.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You’ll have trouble handling your emotions, especially if you are upset about a financial, legal, or health matter. You must face problems head on and refuse to let anyone criticize or bring you down.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): It’s vital that you keep moving forward so that you don’t slip back into old ways or habits. Someone you’ve known for a long time is interested in getting to know you better. Get back to doing the things you used to enjoy.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Limitations will prevail when dealing with a professional colleague or partner, but if you take action and show what you have to offer, you can make headway. Set new ground rules, and make sure everyone involved in your plan gets equal billing.

 

 

 

 


How to get an 8-year-old up and ready for school

Before entering the child’s room, pray to whatever God(s) you believe in for protection (if you’re atheist or agnostic, a few shots of whiskey serves the same purpose). Slowly approach the bed, carefully maneuvering through the minefield of foot-puncturing toys she strategically placed about the floor the previous night. Softly tell the child it’s time to get up. Gently rock the child. Less-gently rock her. If this doesn’t work, threaten to splash the child with water if she doesn’t get up. If that doesn’t work, splash the child with water. If that doesn’t work, threaten to ground the child if she doesn’t get up. If that still doesn’t work, ground the child. If all else fails, bribe the child to get up with the promise of a doughnut. Walk the child into the bathroom and instruct her to shower. Remind the child to remove her pajamas first. Remind the child to use shampoo and soap. Remind the child to dry herself. Tell the child to get dressed. Tell the child to get dressed again, but this time with clean clothes. Tell the child to get dressed yet again, but this time with clean, weather-appropriate clothes. Remove contraband the child intended taking to school from the child’s pockets. Make child lunch. Put child’s lunch in her backpack, finding yesterday’s (uneaten) lunch and (undone) homework that child neglected to mention previous evening. Ask child to brush her teeth, comb her hair, hang her towel up, put her clothes in the hamper, and put on her coat, hat, gloves, and shoes. Demand child to brush her teeth, hang her towel up, and put on her coat and shoes. Plead with child to brush her teeth and put on her shoes. Put child’s shoes on for her. Drive child to school. When child asks about the promised doughnut, explain to child that life isn’t fair, sometimes people lie, and she needs to just deal. Drop child off at school and wish her a good day. Go to gas station and buy yourself a doughnut.









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