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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Refrain from making a decision or taking action. Let the dust settle before you evaluate what needs to be done and how to go about doing it. Concentrate on love and your own well-being.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Don’t leave anything to chance. Have your strategy in place, and you can make your life better both professionally and personally. A new year is coming, so don’t be afraid of change.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Expect to make an unorthodox move. You will have to learn the ropes quickly in order to take advantage of an opportunity. Don’t take on someone else’s burden. A change of attitude will lead to altering your lifestyle.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): You must make choices if you want to control your current situation. You can turn a friendship into a partnership that enhances both your lives. Don’t hold back — you should share your ideas and work toward a better future.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Check out the competition, and learn from what others are doing and pursuing. Doing so will help you choose the path you should follow in the new year. Before grabbing an unique offer, consider whether you should go it alone.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): An event that brings together personal and professional people will enable you to impress someone who can help you with future plans. Do some last-minute shopping. You will please someone with your adaptability.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Don’t let things go when you should act fast to stifle something that could make you look bad. Escaping from a stressful situation at home will only make matters worse. Use past experience to make the right choice now.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Spreading your interests to take in more community events and activities will help you gain respect as well as potential business. The information you learn about the area in which you live will help you decipher what you can bring to the table and how you can distribute it.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You have to get back to basics. A new look at an old idea will lead to extra cash. Not everyone in your family will be happy about the changes, but you cannot turn down the chance to get ahead.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Work toward peace and solutions with the people who oppose you. You can please your family by putting time aside to celebrate your victory and discuss your future plans. An unexpected surprise is in the stars.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You will not have all the facts, so cannot make a reliable decision. Anger will lead to an unfortunate falling out; helping others will turn things around. Love will lead to a passionate encounter that can set the stage for the new year.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Volunteer your help, and you may be able to avoid turmoil with someone you love. A change of plans must not cause worry, even if it does lead to mixed feelings about someone. Don’t let someone else’s stress drag you down or create a problem for you.

 

 

 

 


A partial list of things I should probably tell every prospective girlfriend

• I drink to forget my problems. My main problem? I drink too much.

• I limit myself to three Scotches per day. Right now, I’m six years ahead of schedule.

• The proudest moment is my life was when I beat Elder Scrolls IV after finishing every side quest.

• The saddest moment in my life was 14 seconds later, when it dawned on me that I had spent eight months doing so.

• I cannot bake. Baking literally mystifies me. I tried making white chocolate chip cookies once, only to somehow end up in the emergency room. In Tijuana. Naked. Married to a donkey. Not a female one, either. And he was Lutheran. My parents did NOT approve.

• Sometimes when I order orange chicken at a restaurant, instead of white rice I just do shots of vodka. Best substitution ever.

• I will be forced to break up with you if you are overtly cold, relentlessly unfeeling, harshly cynical, and/or ruthlessly sarcastic. I don’t need the competition.

• I’m not interested in being your “friend with benefits” unless those benefits are extra vacation days or full dental.









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