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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Forget about trying to get things done, and take the day to relax, travel, about, or pick up gifts or supplies for the social events you will attend later this month. A physical change will boost your confidence. Love is in the stars.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Don’t jump to conclusions, or you may get blamed for spreading rumors. Concentrate on finding solutions for someone you see struggling with too many burdens and responsibilities. A new friendship will turn out to be priceless.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Getting together to celebrate the festive season with some of your peers will help you get an understanding of how you can make your relationships work better. A creative look at some of the plans being implemented at work will give you greater control.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Look for any out that enables you to take off and enjoy the day. Don’t let demands lead to overspending. You will come up with alternative ways to please the ones you love without going over budget if you shop wisely.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You will face problems at work if you let someone with a negative attitude put a nix on a project you want to pursue. Home-improvement projects or a space that can be used for entertainment will enhance your life and please the people you live with.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Getting together with friends or collaborating with someone with similar interests will help you reach a destination you’ve been working toward. Take a practical approach to the expenses that can be incurred at this time of the year.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Don’t push or pressure someone you care about, or you will face resistance. Listen to the complaints being made, and you will find a way to take care of the problems that exist. You can do things on a shoestring if you shop for bargains.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Get the go-ahead from neighbors before you make outside changes. A diplomatic discussion with someone with experience will help you make whatever adjustments are necessary. Reducing your overhead will help eliminate stress.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You might want to do a little research regarding the location you are living in and a destination that interests you both professionally and personally. Don’t let someone’s change of plans disrupt yours.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Make the first move to reunite with someone you have been missing. Taking the opportunity to make a change will surprise someone who cares for you. A private deal will be profitable if you move quickly.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Something good is heading your way. Extra cash or a token of appreciation will help you resolve a problem regarding your current financial status. A budget will be necessary if you want to make the most of what you receive.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Work with others will be a learning experience you won’t want to miss. Your talents will be used wisely and will enable you to show what you have to offer. Don’t let a romantic encounter cause you to lose sight of your professional goals.





A partial list of things I should probably tell every prospective girlfriend:

• Every morning, first thing, I have a can of diet soda. I can’t even shave without my morning soda. I tried it once; I still haven’t completely regained the vision in my left eye.

• I think King Kong got what he deserved for beating up that Tyrannosaurus.

• I use a variety of aphrodisiacs in preparation for extended lovemaking, most notably whiskey and fried cheese.

• I’m not as zealous about religion as I once was. Right now, I’m more of a Christmas and Easter atheist.

• I have a lot of acquaintances, but very few close friends. Seriously, I have about six close friends. Give or take three. Actually, take three. So I have three close friends. Two, if imaginary friends don’t count. Zero if parents don’t, either.

• I dropped acid once. Ruined my favorite pair of Skechers, too.

• Lending me a book is effectively the same as giving me a book. (Libraries know better.)

• Do I enjoy answering my own questions? Yes. Yes I do.

• I read Playboy for the articles. I *look* at *Playboy* for the pictures.

• I’ve written epic poems about past bowel movements. If you’re good, someday I may show them to you. THE POEMS, I MEAN.

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