Bitch Please: Twilight

BY DI STAFF | NOVEMBER 19, 2009 7:21 AM

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Twilight makes me disappointed in America

Make it stop. I don’t want to hear about Edward. I don’t want to hear about vampires. I don’t want to hear about werewolves. I don’t want to hear about Twilight.

Do you know why we can’t stop hearing about this stupid book-to-movie series? Because as soon as any novel (although it’s hard to call the Twilight series actual literature) becomes remotely famous in the literary world, it must be brought to film (because our imaginations aren’t good enough, and everyone is too lazy to read, right?) and broadcast to the entire world.

Even though the Twilight book series is god-awful, the film is so much worse.

I hadn’t even heard of Twilight until about a year and a half ago, when the first movie released, but ever since, it’s been overwhelming. Everywhere I turn, I see a half-naked werewolf or even better, Kristen Stewart’s infamous lip-biting acting technique.

As a lover of both literature and film, this series not only insults but scares me. The first Twilight movie made over $70 million its opening weekend and went on to win “best film” from MTV. Now, New Moon already broke records for advanced ticket sales. Seriously? This is what the American public wants to see? Come on people, you’re better than this.

I forgave you when you ruined Modest Mouse. I apologized for you when you went crazy over Jon & Kate. Hell, I even defended you when you embraced Jimmy Fallon. But this is not acceptable. Twilight is trash. Throw it out.

— by Eric Sundermann

Twilight sucks harder than Edward

Poor films are often the result of poor source material. Be it a terrible script or a lame book, if the basis for a movie is lackluster, the movie itself will be as well.

Twilight was a bad movie. The tale of sparkly vampires and the emo girls who love them was two hours of “blah” wrapped in a Linkin Park-infused soundtrack. But, no matter what, it will never be as bad as the book that spawned it.

The nearly 550 page brick of a book reads like a third-person Livejournal entry. It follows the trials and tribulations of Bella Swan as she mopes around, argues with her father (cue the Linkin Park), and falls in love with Edward Cullen, a vampire who really died in 1918 who is attracted to her because of the way her blood smells. (The last part of that sentence should speak for itself.)

Teen girl falling in love with someone 80 years her senior aside, legions of teen girls and bored housewives bought the books and lined up to see the movies.

The reason for this is simple: Through terrible writing, author Stephenie Meyer goes to such great lengths to make Bella Swan so disgustingly average that she almost doesn’t exist. The character, like most of the rest of the writing, is so paper-thin and transparent, that it wouldn’t be difficult for anyone — 16-year-old girl or 80-year-old-man — to put themselves in Bella’s shoes.

And who wouldn’t want to fall in love with a super dreamy hunk who sparkles and doesn’t age past 17? Lovers of good literature, that’s who.

Couple that in with plots Meyer herself admits on her website to borrowing from the likes of Romeo and Juliet, and the lack of originality and surplus of bad writing continue to exist.

The movie is indeed bad, but let’s not forget where it came from. As long as Twilight is considered literature, the very notion of good books will die.

— by Tommy Morgan Jr.

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