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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Be the one to coordinate and plan events, and you will gain control, enhance your reputation, and make contact with some very interesting connections for the future. You can stabilize your position and ease your stress by taking action.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Change may seem like a good idea, but when you take a look at the facts and figures, you will see a discrepancy. Love is heating up. Emotions are going to be tough to control, and an outlet is needed to avoid anxiety.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): It’s up to you to maintain your position and control of whatever situation you face. Now is not the time to back down or give in. Take credit for what you do, and don’t be afraid to brag a little.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Learning will be a big part of your day, and if you can put the information you acquire to good use, you will excel. Love is in the stars, so plan a little celebration that will help move things along personally.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You should be spending time with people who have something to contribute, not your faithful followers. A partnership may be offered, but before you go down that road, question what this person can bring to the table. Don’t sell yourself short.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Don’t jeopardize friendships or partnerships. Meddling or getting involved in emotional spats will backfire. Keep any changes you want to make to a minimum for now, working quietly behind the scenes.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Communication will be the key, and your creativity and ingenious way of explaining what you want to do will enable you to drum up the support you need. Don’t hold back. Travel plans should be in the works.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Organize your day to fit the absolute most into every waking moment. Idle time will lead to anxiety, impulsive actions, and mistakes that will take forever to undo. You can impress someone important and satisfy your needs.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Don’t let someone else do the work and collect your rewards. You will have an opportunity to make some money or come into it quickly because of a decision you made. Foolish spending based on the information of others will reverse your good fortune.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): A change in the way you earn your living looks beneficial and should be implemented as soon as you can get a contract or negotiate the deal that best protects you. Working with someone who has the same goals will pay off.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Don’t give in to demands. Your intellectual approach coupled with your inventive mind will produce substantial interest from those looking to invest. Don’t let anyone upset your plans using unfair emotional ploys.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Ultimatums will backfire, and greater restraint will be necessary to avoid arguments that will get you nowhere. Don’t mess with rules and regulations unless you are ready to pay the price.





Dear ex-girlfriend who pretended not to see me at the supermarket:

Why pretend not to see me? Because you think I dislike you? Why would I dislike you? Surely not because you went from ‘slightly crazy’ to ‘mental’ to ‘whackadoodle nutball’ and back again, never once bothering to stop and send me a postcard? Definitely not because your disease-riddled body tried to infect me with every known STD, from the clap to the standing ovation. Do you perhaps think that I’m somehow worse off without you? Well if that isn’t the pot calling the delusional woman who cheated on me with half of my Intro to Comparative Religion class black. Lady, you had breath like a charnel house, all the libido of a frozen fish stick, and an apartment that smelled like a landfill after a 40-day-rain of rotten eggs. In July. With ugly art on the walls. I’m doing just fine.

But maybe you’re not. I heard you lost your job at the hospital being a big slice of stupid with a scoop of half-wit on top. That’s too bad, as I always thought you were a big-hearted lady (with hips to match). But it’s not surprising, since your head’s even emptier than Ruben Studdard’s day planner. Actually, that was a little too mean. I’m sorry, Mr. Studdard.

Seriously, though, you’ve looked better. Your roots are about 77 days overdue for a touch-up (not that it’s noticeable or anything). Maybe you’re going for that head-like-a-derelict-wheat-field look? I’m awful with fashions; is that in right now? I also noticed you had a few bottles of [yellow tail] Shiraz and some cat food in your shopping cart. That’s good; [yellow tail] makes a quality bottle of wine for the price, and cats will keep you company as you continue on your cold, lonely trek toward death. And buying a new broom, too, I see? Planning on a trip?

I guess what I’m saying is … “Call me?”

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