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ARIES (March 21-April 19): There is a lesson to be learned when dealing with financial matters that will be valuable to you if you’re being pressured to spend. You can expect the dynamics of a relationship you are in to change because of money issues.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Don’t let other people’s demands stop you from achieving your goals. You may feel like you are being torn in different directions, uncertain of where you stand and how you can reach your destination. However, if you stay focused, you will end up in the right spot.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): A job someone wants you to do will conflict with your personal plans. Don’t make a snap decision without evaluating the consequences first. A loss may set the stage for things to come if you don’t make the right choice now.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): A chance to get ahead professionally and personally is apparent if you network or get involved in industry events that pertain to something you want to pursue. Your ability to pull things together will enhance your reputation and bring you recognition.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Be careful not to offend someone or you may cause personal problems. Travel or getting involved in a learning or spiritual experience will help you make an important decision. Make improvements that will help you feel good about yourself.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Not everything will go according to plan, but if you explain your situation and what you are trying to accomplish, you will get the support you need to proceed. Avoid arguments with the potential to lead to irreconcilable differences.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): A change in what you do for a living will give you a new lease on life. Learn the skills required to go in a direction better suited to your needs. A new challenge will bring enthusiasm and renewed hope for a better future.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Speak up. Don’t let things eat away at you when you should be clearing the air. Change will be good in the end, so stop fearing the inevitable and get on with it. Let go of old habits so you can move forward.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Don’t jump the gun or try to get out of something using witty words or exaggerated stories. Secrets will be considered a form of lying, and evasiveness will make someone think you are a coward.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The people you work with and for will appreciate your industrious nature. The little extras you offer others will pay off in advancement and trust. Take the route that is most intriguing even if it pays less.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Stop dreaming about the past or what might have been. Focus on the here and now. Pull yourself together, and start down the long and narrow road that leads to self-preservation and marketable skills.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Partnerships are a good way to make your money stretch — by sharing the costs both personally and professionally. Travel so you can meet face-to-face with someone to discuss serious matters. You will not be disappointed in the results.

 

 

 

 


A partial list of things I should probably tell every prospective girlfriend:

• I have luxurious tastes. When buying wine, I always go with most expensive box.

• I buy the cheapest condoms I can find; I refuse to pay good money for something I know I’m just going to use once and throw away. (Sometimes I make the packs last longer by cutting them in half.)

• I do all things in moderation, including moderation. For this reason, I no longer buy Oreos.

• I’m red-green colorblind, and I also have a genetic disorder that doesn’t allow my brain to register a variety of yellows. Driving through an intersection with me is always an adventure.

• There’s something about napping the weekend away with my girlfriend that strongly appeals to me. I think it’s the “napping the weekend away” part.

• If you insist on referring to my flab as “love handles,” then I will insist on referring your cellulite as “huggy pocs.”

• Don’t bother to call me pretentious if you’re not going to do it in the proper Italian.

• Every January 1, I grab people by the shirt, shake them violently, and demand to know, “What year is this?!” It’s an important part of my time-traveler fantasy and something you’re simply going to need to learn to deal with.

• Regardless of court documents, I will never consider us truly divorced unless you make the arduous trek to discard your wedding ring into the swirling fires of Mount Doom.

• You’ll need to understand that I’m a man set in my ways. You can’t expect to come into my life, issuing preposterous orders like “Please clean your dishes,” and “Stop ogling my mother,” and “What do you mean you didn’t graduate high school?” and expect me to comply.









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