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ARIES (March 21-April 19): There will be no room for error. Staying focused is imperative if you want to maintain control. Dealing with financial, medical, or legal matters must be done with precision.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): It’s time to add a little fun to your daily routine. Don’t hesitate to be a little adventuresome and make a physical change to your appearance. The way you present yourself can alter the types of people you attract.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Your quick wit and versatile mind will be required if you want to avoid a sticky situation brought on by a partner who isn’t too keen on doing things your way. Don’t let things get blown out of proportion. Give a little now so you can get your way later.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Your no-nonsense attitude will draw the attention of those needing help. It will be well worth your time and effort and can lead to a service you can offer others as well. Correspondence will lead to an unusual proposal.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Don’t take time off when there is so much to do. Set up meetings, or put an idea together that you can implement to make extra cash. Don’t be afraid to make a move that has the potential to lead to a higher position or lower your overhead.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): There is a light at the end of the tunnel even if you do feel a little stretched at the moment. Consider what you can get rid of and where you feel you can make the most gains. Stay calm.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Listen carefully to what’s being said. You don’t want to miss the fine print, especially if something is being asked of you. Don’t make a decision if you aren’t ready to follow through.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Bring on the charm, and let your mysterious ways attract attention. Someone who can offer you something in return will welcome your help and your skills. Good friendships will develop if you get involved in a creative process.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Don’t give out too much information, or you will live to regret it. Problems at home or in your personal life are likely to surface if you don’t follow through with your promises. There is always a price to pay, so act accordingly.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your obsession with something or someone you find fascinating must be kept in perspective. Don’t go overboard. Expand on your own ideas if you want to draw attention and make things and people come to you.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): A greater concern with money will be stressful. Consolidate your debts if you feel you are in financial disarray. Changes in your position can be advantageous if you promote something that you have developed yourself.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Do what’s in your heart rather than say what’s on your mind. Take action, and let others know where you stand. Be precise when offering something, but don’t divulge anything that isn’t necessary.





What I know about women:

by Andrew Juhl

• Women like men who are good-looking, have nice jobs, and drive nice cars. But women don’t like men who like women who can cook, because those men are sexist.

• A woman does not qualify a night out with all of your friends as a date. And you better talk to her more than you do to them. It’s probably best you don’t talk to them at all, actually.

• A woman does qualify a night out with all of her best friends as a date. You don’t even have to talk to her if you don’t want to. It’s probably best if don’t talk at all, actually.

• Attractive women tend to like being called “smart” more than “attractive.” Smart women tend to like being called “attractive” more than “smart.” Smart, attractive women are way out of my league, so I don’t have any information on them. I’ll tell you all you’d care to know about the dumb, homely ones, though.

• Some women like a chivalrous dude, while others very much do not. As a chivalrous dude, you have to walk a fine line between “let me treat you with respect” and “let me open that door for you, as it is obvious to me that your puny female intelligence will not permit you to understand its complicated push/pull mechanics.”

• Most women are hypocrites. For example, when a woman sleeps with multiple men, she’ll often say she’s “expressing her sexual independence” or “balancing the score for feminism.” But when I do it, I’m “obviously a homosexual.”

• Women are, on average, mentally stronger than men. Woman are equipped to be in labor for more than a day, if necessary. I give up on taking a dump after 5 minutes.

• Women dig scars. That’s how they mark their territory.

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