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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Troubles at home can fester if you don’t make alterations to your current lifestyle. Spending on luxury items may be tempting, but don’t do so because of someone you love. Giving in will only lead to more demands.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You can make some headway professionally if you skip the nonsense going on around you. Concentrate on work, socializing with people who have something to offer, and making some sound changes, ensuring that you do the best work possible and impress the people who really count.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You’ll be excitable and engaged in whatever is going on around you, but before you put cash down, consider the cost involved. Don’t be fooled by what others do or say. Find out firsthand.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Put a little elbow grease into the changes you want to see at home, and you won’t have to complain about things not being the way you want. If you want something done, do it yourself and move on.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Don’t spend foolishly trying to impress someone who will only take advantage of your generosity. Self-improvement projects or finding other ways to bring in more cash should be your focus.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You can make some positive changes at home, incorporating some of the things you want to pursue into making your life easier. A promise made by a colleague may not be clear. Ask questions before you sign up.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Don’t falsify something in order to avoid the trouble the truth will cause. Get things out in the open and behind you. Moving forward isn’t always easy, but it can help relieve your stress and add to future prosperity and peace of mind.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Put a little love in your life. If you’ve been spending too much time on work and projects, you may have to backtrack. A trip that includes the ones you love will pay off in the response you receive.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Take a deep breath, and face the music. There are changes that need to be made, and if you don’t hurry up and make them, someone else will. If you want to stay in control, clear up any misunderstanding before it’s too late.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Take care of your health, your wealth, and any pending legal matters. Someone may try to talk you into something that you shouldn’t take part in or spend your money on. This is not the time to cave to demands that aren’t beneficial.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Something new will be offered that you should consider? a money deal, new position, or chance to buy into something that can potentially change your life. A conservative friend or relative will give you valid advice.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Don’t do it if it doesn’t feel right. A mishap due to carelessness is likely to occur if you haven’t prepared wisely. Stick close to home, where you can reduce your risk of injury or financial setbacks.
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Examining common similes: by Andrew Juhl
• “as American as apple pie.” Last time I checked, one-half an apple pie did not hate the other half of an apple pie.
• “as blind as a bat.” How politically insensitive! You wouldn’t say “as thumbless as a spider monkey,” would you?
• “as clean as a whistle.” Full of spit?
• “as light as a feather.” That’s true: you can eat feathers all day and never gain weight. Also, low in sodium and a good source of grit.
• “as plain as the nose on your face.” I’m going to sue that rhinoplastician!
• “as fresh as a daisy.” Just where can I meet this woman, Daisy?
• “as cool as a cucumber.” Cucumbers ain’t cool, man; they’re totally square. Squarer than crackers, but not as square as white bread, daddio.
• “as crazy as a loon.” Nonsense; ducks aren’t daffy. Except, of course, for Mallard Fillmore.
• “as white as a ghost.” It’s interesting that all ghosts are white; I bet that really pisses of the ghost of Malcolm X.
• “as stiff as a board.” A good euphemism, but I prefer to whisper in their ears that I’m as hard as nails or as solid as a rock until I’m as slippery as an eel and then as dry as a bone. (I wanted to work in as rich as they come just now, but I’m as spent as a Christmas bonus by New Year’s.)
• “as high as a kite.” A fitting simile, as the last time I got that high, my friends spent hours trying to coax me out of a tree.
• “as cute as a button.” A butt on what, exactly?
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