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ARIES (March 21-April 19): A personal overhaul that promises to bring you greater self-confidence should be your goal. Efficiency will be the name of the game, so find out all you can that will help you be your best. Love is in the stars.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): There are too many variables to take a risk. You have to weigh the pros and cons before you make your move. Don’t believe everything you hear. False information will distract you from what you should be concentrating on.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): If you fall behind with your chores, you will miss out on something you want to do later in the day. Love and romance will motivate you to move a little faster. Re-evaluate your current personal situation.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Keep a lid on your anger, and you’ll avoid a dispute that you cannot win. You should be intent on picking up knowledge, experience, or new skills. A trip or time spent with family will be advantageous.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Don’t let a trivial matter escalate into a serious emotional encounter that will be difficult to fix. Try to get along, regardless of what someone else does. Your ability to negotiate is good.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): If you put all your eggs in one basket, you are likely to come up short. You have to be diverse if you want to get ahead. Don’t expect anything to go according to plan. Be ready to act fast in order to avoid loss.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Pondering over what to do next will not lead to advancement. Make up your mind, and move on. You have what it takes to charm and network your way to the top, so put your talent to good use.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Stay focused. Don’t give in to bribery or anyone promising you something for nothing. Protect your interests and your lifestyle before it’s too late. Unpredictable actions will confuse your rival.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You may have to be secretive about your current situation. Visit someone or somewhere that will help you sort out a conundrum that could potentially change your personal life. An older individual will have valuable advice.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Do your best to help someone you love see the ins and outs of a financial situation that might also affect you. Your experience will pay off, and you will end up being a hero if you negotiate on behalf of others.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Put a lid on any inclination to be overindulgent. Don’t let anyone talk you into doing something that might not be to your benefit. You aren’t likely to find it easy to say no, but if you don’t, you will be put in a compromising position.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Keep things out in the open, or you may be blamed for something that was not innocent to begin with. Secrecy and meddling will both lead to a problem with someone you need on your side. Take an open and honest approach.
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My Home’s Ultra-Advanced Antitheft Security System by Andrew Juhl
• Perimeter: Veritable minefield of the neighbor’s kids’ toys, the other neighbor’s dogs’ droppings, and stinging, biting insects that look as if they belong in a ’50s sci-fi movie.
• Front door: Protected by a mean-looking iCarly sticker placed above and slightly to the left of the doorknob by the neighbor’s daughter, as well as surrounded by a labyrinthine swell of rotting shoppers and cigarette butts.
• Back door: Cannot be opened by anyone, even those bearing the key, without Herculean force applied to it from one’s shoulder — sending a shock wave through the house that shakes the walls, rattles the furniture, and gives me a helpful 20-second warning to hide the woman I’m cheating on my girlfriend with.
• Sliding door of back porch: Never fails to jump its tracks and make a klaxon-like screech whenever someone tries to use it … very similar to an Amtrak train
• Overhead garage door: Impregnable — even I can’t get the damned thing open without a ladder, two buddies, and an afternoon with nothing better to do
• Windows: Cosseted by an opaquely gray (and possibly sentient) film I’ve been lovingly cultivating over the years.
• Guard animals: A pair of portly and pertinacious felines, trained to mewl both loudly and incessantly at every new person that they encounter until fed, regardless of whether there is already food in their bowl.
• House interior: Full of ugly, worthless crap that nobody in his right mind would care enough to steal.
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