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Wisely in the stars

BY BEAU ELLIOT | JULY 21, 2009 7:15 AM

WISE LATINA WOMAN

Aries (March 21-April 19): Don’t obsess about that nagging knee injury and your lack of health insurance — Congress is plodding to the rescue. Never mind that Republicans in Congress feel that you should just deal with it and not cost the taxpayers any money, because they got their nagging knee injuries dealt with just fine under the current health plan. Forget that their health-care plan costs the taxpayers mucho dinero or that almost none of them speak Spanish.

WISE LATINA WOMAN

Taurus (April 20-May 20): It may be interesting to learn that the full name of Sen. Jeff Sessions, a white male from Alabama known for curious statements on ethnicity, is Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III. But don’t give too much weight to the name. “Jefferson,” after all, needn’t refer to Jefferson Davis, it might refer to Thomas Jefferson, who also owned slaves. And “Beau” is a fine name. Except in France, where it’s considered quite odd.

WISE LATINA WOMAN

Gemini (May 21-June 20): An excellent day for investments with that $20 bill you discovered buried in those tennis shoes you never wear because, frankly, you left the soles of said shoes on the tennis courts in a vainglorious attempt to prove you could still play tennis. Do not, however, invest in anger about Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham’s defense of Gov. Mark Sanford’s Argentina dalliance and Graham’s defense of the infidelity of Republican Sen. John Ensign and his rich parents’ giving his mistress $100,000 — Ensign’s parents are generous people, Graham said. Travel is not recommended, especially to Argentina.

WISE LATINA WOMAN

Cancer (May 21-June 20): Do not be upset that Republican Sen. Tom Coburn said, as a physician, he advised John Ensign to pay his mistress and her husband $1 million — even though Coburn is an obstetrician and gynecologist. Perhaps he advised Manny Ramirez as well. Manny, after taking those female fertility drugs, should be due any month now — though he’s still not showing. Many ob-gyn physicians says that, often, men don’t show.

WISE LATINA WOMAN

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): It’s probably not healthy to give too much weight to Sen. (?) Jim DeMint’s statement to conservative activists: If we can stop Obama on health care, we can break him. For one thing, he might’ve meant “brake him.” It’s probably better to listen to more Iris DeMent.

WISE LATINA WOMAN

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Take advantage of the unseasonably cool weather and play more soccer with your cat. Don’t sweat that looming dissertation; the economy’s in the tank or Patagonia, and there are probably too many Ph.D.s anyway. (Is there such an animal as too many Ph.D.s? Or is it a vegetable or mineral?)

WISE LATINA WOMAN

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Stop worrying about your hair and start fretting about your fiber intake. How are Midwestern farmers going to climb out of the recession if you don’t quadruple the fiber in your diet? Have you no heart? (Hint: You do, and it’s crying out for fiber. It keeps Tweeting us.)

WISE LATINA WOMAN

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Pet rocks are so more than yesterday, and so is playing Michael Jackson on the jukebox. Wake up and smell the air of petroleum pervading throughout.

WISE LATINA WOMAN

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Did you know that your sign starts on the anniversary of John Kennedy’s assassination? We thought not. There is such a thing as too much Facebook and MySpace and Twitter and YouTube and ooh, look at this cute kitty playing the synthesizer.

WISE LATINA WOMAN

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Stop whining about Mark Sanford’s using public money for his trips. What? You’ve never taken a trip? This bashing of Republicans gets older than Methuselah, who’s pretty old by now.

WISE LATINA WOMAN

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Maybe you should learn Chinese. No, really. China owns a big chunk of the U.S. debt, and pretty soon, we’re all going to be speaking Chinese.

WISE LATINA WOMAN

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Forty years ago, two men walked on the Moon, so why are you working in a coffee shop and fretting about making the rent? Half the world’s population has been born since the first Moon walk. One small latte for man, one giant slurp for mankind.


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