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ARIES (March 21-April 19): You may have to work a little harder to please the ones you love, but don’t give up. Your positive attitude and motivating spirit will win. With a little nurturing and undivided attention, you’ll be on your way to getting your way.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You may be out of sorts or emotional about what others are doing or issues that are occurring, but you mustn’t let this deter you from moving forward with your own personal plans. You can ease your stress with some unorthodox moves.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Don’t be too quick to disregard what someone is doing or offering you. A good idea may not be perfect in your mind, but if you think it through, you will realize how you can turn something mediocre into something fantastic.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): You are heading into territory that may not be familiar, but in the end, it will lead to a better position or higher status. There is something worth saying, so do not hold back when you have knowledge to share.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Give a little thought to love and romance, and you will find you are in a position that will bring you great joy. Your charm and generosity will make everything fall into place. A good deal will change your direction for the future.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Don’t be shy because someone is trying to make you feel inept. You have more to offer and can make a huge difference. Your responsible and concrete way of dealing with others will draw attention.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Give whatever you are working toward a shove before you lose momentum. Inspiring others to take part and contribute to your vision will keep things on schedule. You don’t have to overspend or exaggerate to get the help you require.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Be careful with whom you share your personal information. Someone will play emotional games with you if you are the least bit difficult to deal with. Put your efforts toward improvements at home.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Don’t forget about the ones you love and the people who have stood by you through thick and thin. An opportunity may appear insignificant at first, but in time, you will discover that it’s a much bigger deal than you anticipated.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): A home project or a financial investment will pay off. Mix business with pleasure, and you will have a winning situation. Someone will want to partner with you — check credentials first.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You have to keep your emotions out of any important decisions you make. If you let someone alter your direction or take you off your targeted course, you will have to backtrack. Staying in control will lead to your success.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Get out and touch base with people you haven’t seen for a long time. The information you receive about a possible deal or job will help you get back in the running for something you long to do. Your past will help you get ahead now.





Andrew R. Juhl, Professor of Letters:

by Andrew Juhl

• Dear Salt and Vinegar Pringles: You are form-pressed wafers of cognitive dissonance. You simultaneously taste both fantastic and disgusting, confusing my brain with fallacious habituation: “Mmm-mmm, these salt and vinegar chips are sickening. My taste buds are revolting with mutinous fervor. I must eat five more salt and vinegar chips in order to cleanse my palate of this culinary atrocity. Oh, so tasty! Gross.”

• Dear Makers of My New Showerhead: Was there really a screaming need for a showerhead that has only 30 percent of it apertures serviceably discharging water at any given time and in a drip, not a spray, so that soap and shampoo must be excavated from one’s body via a complicated and well-choreographed dance of aimed water droplets? Thanks to you, taking a shower in my house is not so much like standing underneath a cascading waterfall as it is like getting peed on by a blasé giraffe with a UTI.

• Dear Self: You are not Seth MacFarlane. You have no vested interest in his continued success, nor his downfall. Stop defending him with such rabid zealousness.

• Dear Cranberry Juice: Please cease your ill-conceived affairs with Pomegranates and Cherries immediately. Your juicy offspring by these low-rent fruits produces a barely palatable mélange of bleach and icky-icky-poo. And I’m sure that Apples (slut) has probably promised you unimaginable drinkability if you mix flavors with her, too, but that hussy’s no good for you either, Darling. There’s not an aisle in the whole damned store she hasn’t already mixed her juices with. Be yourself, and I’ll continue to love you for you.

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