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ARIES (March 21-April 19): You’ll have trouble controlling your emotions. Before you blurt out something you cannot retract, think of the positive things you can say to make whatever situation you face better.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Take the time to listen to complaints, and figure out a way to compensate anyone who appears to be getting ripped off. Your talent to take care of stressful situations will provide an opportunity you don’t expect.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Your ability to talk convincingly will prove that you are the right person to negotiate for a group. Remember, you may win the popularity of the majority, but there will always be someone who doesn’t buy into your charm.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Take heed of the person questioning your ability or an idea you are trying to push. There may be a flaw that, if fixed in time, can spare you grief. There is a lesson to be learned by you and a person who is skeptical about your plans.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The time to captivate people with your charm and know-how is now. Reach all the people you need on your side. The backing you get from groups or people who are far away will be most gratifying.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): This is a great time to consider making a move or to alter the conditions under which you are now living. A joint effort will prove to be more valuable than you anticipated. Love is on the rise.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You’ll have a few choices to make. Don’t neglect what has to be done. Clear your responsibilities before you engage in entertainment. Trips will be enticing, and they can pay off if you are well-prepared and have taken care of the pressing matters you are responsible for.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Don’t take on more than you can humanly do. To make promises that you cannot fulfill will hurt your reputation and cause setbacks in your advancement. It’s better to undersell your abilities and surprise people if you want to get ahead.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You may think you have everything in order and everyone eating out of your hand, but think again. There are things going on behind your back that can influence your home and personal life financially. Protect your assets.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You have to watch out for mistakes that others make. Don’t get caught in the middle of someone’s argument; you could be blamed for what’s happening. Joint efforts will not work well for you. Don’t let emotions lead you off-track.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You can make vocation changes or work at building a small, home-based business. Now is a great time to find love or to nurture the relationship that already exists. Changing your appearance will bring a good response and greater opportunities.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Use your creative talents to come up with something that can be lucrative and entertaining and will utilize your skills to the fullest. Rid yourself of people who are negative or are threatened by what you are trying to accomplish.





Re-examining a few more well-known sayings:

by Andrew Juhl

• “Laughter is the best medicine.” Unless you have tuberculosis. Then laughter is the enemy (just like in an Andy Dick movie).

• “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.” Right, because why would I have brought it up NOW if I didn’t want to talk about it NOW?

• “Caught between a rock and a hard place.” But a rock IS a hard place. Why wouldn’t you just say, “Caught between two hard places”? I’m so confused.

• “A dog is a man’s best friend.” That is not true. A “best friend” wouldn’t sleep with my sister, especially after I asked him not to. YOU HEARD ME, SPARTACUS! I’M CALLING YOU OUT!!

• “Only trust someone as far as you can throw them.” Babies? Trustworthy. I have the footage to prove it.

• “A house is where you hang your hat; a home is where you hang your heart.” Ewwwwww.

• “Out of sight, out of mind.” This saying is discriminatory; not all blind people are insane …

• “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” Actually, if at first you don’t succeed, disavow any knowledge of your initial attempt.

• “Don’t be a stranger.” If someone knows you well enough to say this to you, then you — by definition — cannot be a stranger to them. In addition, when is the last time you heard this from anybody you actually wanted to see again anytime soon?

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