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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Taking more time to help others will lead to new opportunities. Loving what you do and the people you are working with can make life easier. If you want something, take action, and make things happen.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): A personal project will supply you with what you need to take positive steps in a different direction. Love is in the stars, and you will meet someone who interests you or will improve a relationship you are already in.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Take time to think things through. If you are impulsive, you will pay the price. Someone isn’t giving you all the information you need to make the right decision. An added responsibility may save you from making a horrible mistake.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Stick to the group you know and the pastimes that make you happy. You may be tempted to change something or someone in your life, but in the end, you will want things back the way they were.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You will have a great idea that can lead to money. Don’t let someone who is less adventurous stop you from following a dream or pursuing a challenge. An older friend, relative, or neighbor will need your help.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Plan a trip or sign up for something you really want to do. You can perfect one of your talents if you practice. Love is in the picture ? all you have to do is charm the person you want to spend more time with.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Don’t get too comfortable when you should be enjoying life, socializing, and experiencing new people, places, and things. You have to put yourself out there. An interesting product will tempt you and bring results that are pleasing but pricey.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Push for what you want. Stand up for what you believe in and refuse to give in to bullies or anyone who wants to change you. Don’t spend impulsively, but improve your surroundings to better suit your needs.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You may think you are prepared to win, but someone you least expect will have the right answers and technique to stand out. A trip to visit someone you can learn from will pay off. It will also make you realize how much work you have ahead of you.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You are attracting the right people, and you should be able to complete something spectacular. There is money to be made and jobs that can increase the value of your assets. Home-improvement projects will pay off.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Be careful what you say. You may offend someone you are trying to impress. Listening will help you establish what others like and want, making it easier for you to please anyone you want to get to know better when the time is right.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Sudden changes will occur at home that will send you into a tailspin. Nothing is as bad as it seems, and your tendency to let your emotions run wild will make matters worse. Stay calm.

 

 

 

 


What the bartender really hears when you order your drink:

by Andrew Juhl


• Whiskey & Cola: “I’m tough, but I’ve got a soft side.”

• Whiskey on the rocks: “I’m tough. Period.”

• Whiskey neat: “I can’t stop shaking.”

• Scotch: “I have disposable income, and I can’t stop shaking.”

• Wine: “I’m too good for your bar, and I probably won’t tip you.”

• Wine Cooler: “I’m going to be really obnoxious in about 12 minutes.”

• Jäger shot: “I wanna be drunk NOW.”

• Jäger Bomb: “I wanna be drunk NOW, but I wanna be awake enough to drive home later.”

• PBR/Old Style: “I either being ironic or I’m about to ask you for a spit cup.”

• Miller Lite/Bud Light: “Water, please.”

• Screwdriver: “I enjoy the taste of rotten orange juice.”

• Gin & Tonic: “I enjoy licking furniture.”

• Tanq & Tonic: “I enjoy the taste of good gin, and I’ll probably be licking furniture later.”

• Tequila shot: “I’d like to forget that last and next 12 hours.”

• Vodka shot: “Wanna see me puke?”

• Long Island Iced Tea: “Yeah … I’m not planning on going home tonight.”

• Rum & Cola: “I’m gonna get belligerent later.”

• Rum & Diet Cola: “I’m gonna get belligerent later, and I’m watching calories.”









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