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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Stay on top of things, or someone will take advantage of you. Be prepared to smooth things over and get others moving in a direction compatible to your own. Do what you must with grace and humility.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You will do so much better if you can have a conversation with someone in person. A short trip will pay off. You will gain approval in both your personal and professional lives by speaking from the heart.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): If you are too wrapped up in your own activities and endeavors, you will be unaware of someone or something that could be a roadblock in the near future. Avoid impulsive action or any pressure to make a choice before you are ready.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Hard decisions will be necessary to make. Every moment you lose stagnating will take away from what you can create or do to get ahead. Conflicts must be dealt with. Be a leader; take action.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Open your eyes to new ways of doing things and people and places that inspire you. Don’t be led when you should be making up your own mind. An industrious act will bring you respect and popularity.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Take a course, or sign up for lessons that will lead you in a new direction. Your ability to pick up knowledge quickly and combine it with the talent you already possess will lead to success far beyond your dreams.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Expect to face a controversial matter with someone close to you. Address emotional issues swiftly. Your ideas or your budget will cause a problem for you as well as for others. Don’t speak on behalf of someone else.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You may not have all the facts required to make a decision affecting your personal life. A serious discussion can help you solve a conflict you’ve been having between your work and family obligations.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You may be looking forward to a change, but it won’t be easy. When you are forced to deal with problems alone, you will realize how much you depended on someone who isn’t there for you anymore. Your willingness to work hard will be an essential part of your success.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Move forward fast and furiously, and you will accomplish your dreams. This is a perfect time to initiate changes or renovations, get involved in a real estate deal, or make a residential move. Love is on the rise.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Pick your words carefully. If you offend someone, you may have trouble backtracking in order to save face. Turn challenges or accusations into a forum for expressing your feelings openly and honestly.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Your services will be in demand and will help you introduce some of the other talents you have to offer. Someone you used to know may want a piece of your action. Be reluctant to share information until you know what’s being offered in return.

 

 

 

 


20 horrible gift ideas for your wife or girlfriend:

by Andrew Juhl


• a scale

• an industrial scale

• the complete DVD boxed set of “The Man Show”

• an old pair of your shoes (women love shoes)

• turkey on whole wheat, no cheese, hold the mayo

• 27 individual Taco Bell Border Sauce packets (9 Mild, 9 Hot, and 9 Fire — you know, a variety pack)

• pornography featuring you and her, recorded without her knowledge

• pornography featuring you and her sister, recorded with her sister’s knowledge

• a gift certificate good for 20 sessions of facial electrolysis, along with a card explaining that she’ll have to pay for the rest on her own

• a calendar from the previous year

• a desk calendar from the previous year

• a framed motivational poster with the word “Goals” emblazoned underneath a bikini-clad Audrina Partridge

• a “To Do” list of things that need fixin’ this weekend

• a two-player sports video game (you know, so the two of you can play together)

• a coffee mug reading “World’s No. 1 Uncle”

• an all-access pass to THE GUN SHOW {arms flexed}

• 3 days worth of dry rations, a 4-inch bowie knife, and 5-minute head start

• syphilis








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