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ARIES (March 21-April 19): You can accomplish far more if you are a little reserved about what you are up to. It’s better to hit everyone with a finished product. Youngsters and others with an innocent point of view will give you the best feedback.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): A change in your financial situation will take you by surprise. Don’t promise someone the impossible. Get serious about the rules you set for yourself and your family.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): An ingenious idea you have regarding money and getting contracts signed, sealed, and delivered will make you the hero of the day. Your insight into what others want will put you in the running for a choice position.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): You’ll feel the urge to say something you will live to regret. Before you make a ghastly mistake, do the math and find out where you stand. A temptation will cost you. Now is not the time to run to someone’s aid.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Rise to the occasion, and you will gather new friends along the way. Your astute observations will enable you to choose wisely when asking for help or inviting someone to enjoy an event with you. Plan a trip to visit someone you miss.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It’s time to put on the pressure and fulfill your dreams. Taking part in activities that involve family, friends, or children will be informative and will give you some great ideas you can implement into your own life. A change at home will be a wise choice.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Don’t get messed up because you can’t get your emotions to cooperate. You may be at a loss if you give in to someone’s pressure. Love issues will cause personal and professional partnership problems.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You can change your professional direction or add something to the mix you are already working with. Now is a great time to define who you are and what you do. Promote — you will get the response you need to move forward.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You’ll be caught up in the moment and may miss out on something important because your emotions are working overtime. Don’t let someone’s changes get past you, or you’ll discover too late that something or someone is missing from your life.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Someone may be toying with your emotions. Before you get all bent out of shape or forget things you have to get done, take a second look at the situation. Focus on your own success; sweet revenge will be yours.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The more involved you are in something you believe in, the better your life will become. You will come up with a spectacular idea to bring in cash. Someone who has been in your corner forever will be there to help you yet again.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You won’t be the only one questioning your future. Maybe it’s time for a change. Consider your options and what you might like to learn. It’s never too late to change direction or to pick up new skills.

 

 

 

 


Just some of the features on my sweet new Dell laptop:

by Andrew Juhl


• Preloaded with Vista and Firefox, which coexist about as well as my parents did before the divorce. Sniff.

• Includes detailed, lucid, easily ignorable instructions for creating a backup disk.

• Comes with free game: “A Piece of Your Dell Laptop that Appears to have Broken Off During Shipping and is Loose in the Box, So See If You Can Figure Out Where It Goes and If You Really Need It!”

• Charged battery lasts of up to 27 minutes, just enough time to boot up and watch an entire episode of How I Met Your Mother … or .00002 percent of my hard-core pornography collection.

• 100gb internal HDD allows for hourly restore points, effectively counteracting the system-crashing wont of the preinstalled Windows Automatic Updater.

• Two PS/2 ports, which is just as good as a single PS port.

• Premium three-day limited warranty.

• Preloaded anti-Semitic virus protection software scans all websites, downloads, and e-mail attachments for both adware and signs of the global Zionist conspiracy. (The quarantine process is depressing but should provide fertile ground for cultivating future tech-savvy Oscar nominated feature films.)

• Smells faintly of peaches and coriander.

• Came with a complimentary unpadded, strap-free, tissue-paper thing carrying case that could perhaps be used as a hanky in a runny-nose emergency.

• THREE DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF SOLITAIRE!!!

• Doesn’t interrupt me when I talk about my day.

• Allows me to watch virtually every song, movie, and television show ever created, absolutely free.

• Keeps my MacBook Air from blowing off the table when the window is open.









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