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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Difficult decisions are heading your way, and the ability to act quickly and with adequate knowledge will let you win in the end. A partnership that has been going through uncertainties must be dealt with patiently.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Get serious about what you do, and you will get a great response. Push for perfection, and you will get the respect and the advancement you want. Avoid dealing with red tape, institutions, and anyone who can tie up your valuable time today.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Speak your mind, and you will be given the consideration you ask for. Don’t back away from adversity when you have so much to contribute that can make a difference. A lover, child, or friend will inspire you.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Good fortune is on your side, so take a chance and make a move. A journey will help you reconnect with someone you had all but forgotten. A fresh look at something you disregarded in the past will bring you hope now.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): A vacation or change of scenery will help you realize your needs and potential. Your generosity will overwhelm someone you are trying to impress, but before you give too much, consider what you are getting in return.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Get serious about a job you are working on, and you will gather support, along with suggestions that will make your job easier. A money deal will position you well in other aspects of your life. Pay cash for luxury items or take a pass.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You’ll be all over the map emotionally if you don’t put an end to the pending problems that have you wigged-out. Say what’s on your mind, and you will resolve issues and make some positive adjustments.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Keep your thoughts to yourself, but don’t stop doing what you are doing. It’s your mysterious way that will intrigue and interest people. The reactions people have will change the nature of what you are doing.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You have the upper hand, but if you are arrogant, you may fall short of your goals. A romantic encounter will leave you questioning what you should be doing with your life. Domestic changes will, in time, turn out well for you.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Make your choices based on honesty and integrity, not out of love for someone you are trying to protect. It’s best to get things out in the open and deal with personal matters before it’s too late. Working from home will pay off.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your generosity may be your downfall in the end. Keep things equal if you want your relationship with friends, relatives, or a lover to flourish. Don’t spend for emotional reasons. Now is the time to budget.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): “Who’s the boss” may come up during a misunderstanding. Strive for equality. Arguments will damage whatever partnerships you have. Be patient, and offer compromises that are fair to everyone involved.

 

 

 

 


Finals prep:

by Andrew Juhl


• History: Briefly describe the events preceding and following the Civil War, beginning with Great Flood and ending with the successful American-lead invasion of Gygax 9. Relate all events to distinct personal anecdotes. Hokeyness will be penalized.

• Biology Practicum: Genetically engineer and housebreak a gryphon. You have three hours. (NOTE: Gryphon does not need to be of mythic proportions; anything larger than a standard poodle will do.)

• Political Science: Provide nine methods for subverting the separation of powers in a trifurcated president-led democracy. Use examples of successful past attempts by local, state, federal, and student government, as well as how they would be perceived by the reanimated corpse of a disinterred Woodrow Wilson.

• Fine Arts: Find, procure (through barter or purchase), and smoke some weed. You have six minutes.

• Combinatory Math: Nathan has three lilac shirts, four mauve shirts, and five lavender shirts. By wearing no color more than two days in a row, how long can Nathan remain closeted to his father?

• Algebra: Let X represent Johnny Depp and Y represent Hugh Jackman. Write a scenario wherein (X + Y) = (Sex on a boat).

• Calculus: Let Y = X4 + X7 + 47. Now, you could solve the problem for X, but what the hell has X ever done for you?

• Physics: Provide the correct date and time of Armageddon. Show your work. (HINT: Remember that 2032 is a leap year.)









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