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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Talk shop. Your energy and dynamic approach will capture interest. You will change your mind many times regarding your direction and the people you are dealing with, so don’t be too quick to make changes.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You should be able to persuade others you are the right person to head up a new project or make decisions that will bring about change. Others will relate to your conservative outlook and ability to get things done.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You can use your past accomplishments to move into a situation that allows you to call the shots. Love is in the stars, and someone you are fond of will make your life better with news you’ve been longing to hear.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): If you don’t act on impulse, you will lose something that means a lot to you. Problems at home will develop if you don’t address issues head-on. You can benefit from change if you go about it the right way.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Your spirit and enthusiasm will motivate others who will, in turn, help you. Talk to someone face-to-face. Mix business with pleasure, and you will gain friends as well as new clients and colleagues.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Don’t fall into the lazy category just because you don’t like what’s going on around you. Instead, pick up the slack, and get things moving. You’ll soon be in control and making a difference.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Let your thoughts be heard. Do not hold back to spare someone’s feelings. Lay your cards on the table so that you can proceed in the direction of your choice without feeling guilty. It’s a new day with a bright future ahead.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Don’t second-guess what you know in your heart you must do. Brave the storm, and you will figure out a way to turn what you have worked so hard to achieve into something great. Don’t be discouraged by the uncertainty at home.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Make some changes to your home. Change is good, and it will motivate you to take on greater tasks. An emotional relationship can flourish if you aren’t afraid to share your feelings. Don’t give away your secrets.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Don’t let emotional issues sidetrack you. A purchase for your home or an investment that can help you build greater equity should be your top priority. A friend or relative will disappoint you or cause you grief.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Be sure before you make a statement you may have to live with for a long time. Instead, immerse yourself in something you enjoy working on. You are ready for a change, but it has to come from within, not by following what someone else wants you to do.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Don’t question others, and you won’t be criticized in return. Emotions will hit a high point if you disrupt a relationship by changing your plans suddenly. Talks will help to mend an old partnership that went sour.

 

 

 

 


Future animal-named pandemics:

by Andrew Juhl


• Sea Otterosity: the patients develop intense urges to crush clams on their stomachs, leaving infected cuts along their abdomens. It’s as adorable as all get out, though.

• Cub’s Syndrome: The patients lack stamina, make preventable errors, and lose fine motor control (as well as game after game after game). Likely terminal. Preventative treatment: switching exclusively to white socks.

• Rabio-Rabbitis: The patients become so enraged at the site of lettuce, carrots, or pretty much any other healthy food that they uncontrollably foam at the mouth (a.k.a. “Winfrey-McDonald’s Syndrome”).

• Walruvitis: a condition wherein the patients’ supra-canine gums become infected to the point of protrusion, affecting their eating habits and causing them to inarticulately bark out in pain in much the same way your mom does when I’m giving it to her.

• Sad Cow Disease: The patients cry milk. Out of their nipples.

• Beava Dentata: The patient’s two primary maxillary incisors grow and extrude past the inferior lip. Has no known detrimental health effects, but makes it damn hard to enjoy a good apple, which is one of life’s simple pleasures.

• Fungal Skunkthumb: The patient’s thumbnails each turn black with a white streak. They then fall off and amorously chase healthy fingernails around Paris, attempting in vain to share their yeasty love.









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