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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Problems at home will erupt if you have been secretive or intent on doing something that no one else wants to take part in. Emotions will be hard to control and will likely affect your efficiency.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You will gain power, respect, and knowledge by being a participant. Don’t let someone’s advances or changes of plans spin you in the wrong direction. Set your goals and stick to them until they are complete.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Focus on the future and consider whether to make a change. Someone you care for will influence your decision. Don’t leap without checking out what’s actually being offered.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Don’t lock yourself into something you probably cannot finish. You can expect someone you trusted to disappoint you, causing emotional stress. Allowing someone to get to you will cause an impulsive chain reaction.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Take a serious look at your financial situation and how you are currently earning a living. You can come up with a viable solution if you are practical in your approach. Baby steps, coupled with your charm and ingenuity, will help you win back whatever you have lost.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Lending, borrowing, donating, or anything that has to do with your cash flow must be kept in check. You will stand a better chance if you barter your services. Be smart as well as forceful; you will get what you want.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): As soon as you let someone else take over for you, things will go amuck. You will intuitively know which route is best for you. Passionate talks and interactions with people with similar goals will help you move forward.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You need to get away somewhere peaceful to figure things out without interruption. Change is overdue, but you need a plan. A partner may confuse you at first, but if you listen carefully, you will realize that maybe your time with this person is up.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You can make some excellent improvements to your living arrangements. Love is looking very good if you want to make some special plans for two. An epiphany will change the way you do things and get you thinking about where you want to hang your hat.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You may feel a little disconcerted about a partnership you are wrestling with. If you talk matters through, you will realize you can both have what you want if you go about it the right way. Compromising will make your life easier.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You have so many realizations coming to mind that it may get a little muddled. Write things down. Don’t let anyone else make a decision for you. You want to move forward with a clear conscience.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You have to avoid conversations with friends, neighbors, and colleagues that will lead to misunderstandings and arguments. Keep your religious and political views a secret. Don’t believe everything you hear; get a second opinion.
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An examination of birth-control methods: by Andrew Juhl
• Abstinence. Effective? Very. But in the same way that amputating your legs at the knees is effective against ingrown toenails. Personally, I like going for a walk every now and then.
• The Rhythm Method. When used religiously (HA!), it can be up to 90 percent effective in preventing pregnancy, but it’s completely useless to white people.
• Condoms. One of the most common forms of contraceptive and also a pretty effective one, with the bonus effect of helping prevent the spread of diseases. But, for men, it’s also a bit like having sex wearing a mitten. On your penis.
• Vasectomy. Men, it might be worth it; you just have to ask yourself what you care more about: condom-free intercourse or the respect of all of your male friends.
• Spermicide. Given the continued persistence of both the cockroaches in my bathroom and Owen Wilson, I am defensibly suspicious of the any birth-control method ending in –cide.
• Intrauterine Devices. For guys who enjoy the idea of bionic women, IUDs are awesome. For guys (like me) who live in constant fear of a dystopic future ruled by biomechanically enhanced Amazons who use their augmentations and boosted hormones to enslave all males, IUDs are the most terrifying thing ever created (with the possible exception of the movie *Showgirls*).
• Contraceptive Pills. The pill’s main downside is having to remember to take it daily. One big advantage of the pill, however, is that it can readily be combined with several other birth-control methods, such as condoms or abject unattractiveness.
• Homosexuality. Just as effective as abstinence, but with all the sex you can handle. It’s nature’s little loophole.
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