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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Don’t stand back waiting for someone else to speak up on your behalf. You can make reforms that will have a huge effect on the people in your life. A relationship will suffer a power struggle.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Now is not the time to be lazy when it’s vital that you have your facts straight. A lot can happen if poor information filters to people who love to spread rumors. Nip any misconception quickly before you have to troubleshoot instead of being productive.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Someone’s inability to be professional will cause unnecessary last-minute changes. You can use emotional tactics to get your way — but do so knowing that you will probably pay the price later. Someone who knows you well will not like the way you are doing things.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Don’t give away your secrets. You are better off listening to what everyone else has to say, especially if it pertains to people you know well. Make your position clear, but without favoritism, if you wish to protect your position.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The truth is likely to be told if you have a meeting with someone who has been confusing you lately. You will be better equipped to turn things around once you understand what went wrong. You may have to admit your shortcomings in order to make amends.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Your steady progress will be proof that you know what you are doing and that you can fix anything that is spinning out of control. Your guidance will be based on clear-cut vision, leading to greater respect and advancement.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): If you ask for too much, you may not get anything at all. If you make a mistake now, you will end up troubleshooting instead of accomplishing what you set out to do. Use your time wisely.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Face head-on whatever is going wrong. Problems at home may cause an added expense. Caution must be taken when discussing your personal thoughts with housemates, landlords, or neighbors.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Keep looking over your shoulder. Someone is probably trying to dismantle your plans or take over your job. Double-check your work, and follow through on every detail. Respond passionately to a relationship undergoing a lot of emotions.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Greater security can be yours if you stick close to home and show your loyalty to the people who have stood up for you in the past. Renovations will add to your assets. Build a special place to work at home so you can spend more time with family.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You may be forced to answer hard questions. This is not the time to skirt issues. Your honesty will be what everyone wants to hear. Your true friends will stick by you, no matter what your decision.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Communication will help you complete something you’ve been trying to do for a long time. Don’t exaggerate, or you may have to pay for misleading others. A family feud will start because someone has been keeping secrets.
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Reasons I will never have children: by Andrew Juhl
• I have an intense need for the surfaces in my house to not be sticky. Not only to not be sticky, but to not be unidentifiably sticky.
• The only people that I allow to vomit on me are best friends and blind dates.
• If Géricault and Delacroix don’t warrant wall space in my living room, Juhl the Younger’s “Experiments in Impressionist Finger Painting” sure as hell doesn’t, either.
• I enjoy all the tax-free income I receive from the monsters currently paying rent to live in my closets.
• I have preset limit on the number of times I will willingly change a diaper before I die, and I’m saving those for when mommy and daddy get older.
• I’m not married, but if I were, I wouldn’t appreciate it if anyone — even an infant — took such despicable liberties with my wife.
• If I am to be awakened at 4 a.m., the very last thing that should be within 10 feet of me is a defenseless person.
• When on an airplane, I prefer not to be the focus of 20-60 people’s ire.
• I absolutely refuse to acknowledge that a blue scribble on white paper is can be in any way interpreted as a “girwaffe.”
• Kids say the darnedest things, and I HATE that.
• I’m sterile.
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