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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Communication is a must if you want to stay in control. Someone may try to upset your position or influence the outcome of something you are working toward. Someone will use underhanded tactics to try to beat you.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Go right to the top if you want to get something resolved. You will fall privy to secret information that will give you the edge. Use your charm, coupled with your knowledge and experience, and you’ll come across as confident and capable.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Stick to whatever will benefit you professionally, personally, and financially. You will face jealous and possessive acts if you lead someone on or you make a promise and don’t keep it.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): You should receive an honor or raise or something that will improve your status. Someone may not like all the attention you are getting. Honesty will help you resolve any incident that crops up.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Don’t get derailed by criticism you don’t deserve. Greater involvement in challenging activities will raise your confidence and prove what you are capable of. Put your cash in a safe place and don’t lend or borrow, regardless of the circumstances.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You are ready to revamp your old ways, habits, and lifestyle. Change bring more excitement to your life. There is money to be made if you pick up information or take courses that will broaden your skills.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Say what you mean and mean what you say. You’ll be under the spotlight, and your conduct will make a difference to the outcome of anything you are working toward personally and professionally. You can out maneuver anyone who challenges you.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You can present and promote effectively. Love will come easily and someone you care for will be accommodating in every way imaginable. Show everyone what you have to offer. Your longtime goals are now within reach.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Don’t stretch the truth if you don’t want to be embarrassed. Your reputation may be compromised if you haven’t been completely honest about what you are offering others. You can, however, make an effect at home and in your personal life.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You will win if you challenge someone. Taking an unusual path will help you learn something about who you are and what you are capable of doing. You can learn from past experiences as well.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Not everyone will think the same way you do. Expect opposition, and prepare to compromise if you want to resolve issues and get things done. It’s never too late to start something new or to go back and get something or someone you left behind.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Don’t make a noise unless you are prepared to back up your accusations with lots of proof. Someone will push back if you decide you want to take over or have things your way. Personal relationships will be emotional, passionate, and full of excitement.

 

 

 

 


Who would win NFL rivalries if team names represented actual players:

by Andrew Juhl


• New York Giants vs. Philadelphia Eagles: Definitely the Giants. Unless the eagles were giant eagles, like the kind from *Lord of the Rings*; but that’s stupid, because those eagles aren’t real.

• Dallas Cowboys vs. Washington Redskins: Um, yeah. I think we all pretty much know who wins this one based on historical precedent.

• New York Jets vs. Miami Dolphins: I’d go with the Jets, if only because the Dolphins would soon die of suffocation after being forced to wear proper protective headgear.

• San Francisco 49ers vs. St. Louis Rams: Look, all I’m saying is if you put a bunch of goofy prospectors in a field along with a herd of unattended sheep, who wins at a game of football will be the least of your worries.

• Chicago Bears vs. Green Bay Packers: Not that I don’t support the labor unions, but I have to give this one to nature’s soulless, godless, rampaging killing machines.

• Green Bay Packers vs. Minnesota Vikings: Not that I don’t support the labor unions, but I have to give this one to Europe’s soulless, godless, rampaging killing machines.

• Cleveland Browns vs. Cincinnati Bengals: This one is harder because it is necessarily abstract, but in any competition between a color and an animal, the winner is invariably an ampersand or Tuesday.

• Kansas City Chiefs vs. Oakland Raiders: Indians fighting Pirates!? Why stop there?! As far as I’ve concerned, there’s never been a better argument for starting up NFL franchises for the Albuquerque Robots and the Quad Cities Ninjas!!








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