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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Regroup and recognize the importance of not getting sidetracked. You have more important things to do than waste time on something you cannot change. Take care of the people who have been good to you in the past.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Rely on your own abilities and knowledge to avoid someone trying to lead you off-track. Relax and enjoy the company of friends who share your beliefs and can contribute to what you are trying to accomplish. A short trip will pay off.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Pay back any money you owe. A situation regarding contractual or legal matters will escalate fast. Ward off any chance of embarrassment or excess costs by coming up with viable solutions. Your promptness will impress others.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): A fabulous arrangement between you and a perfect partner can be made. Special consideration given at a time like this will show your strength of character and ability to meet any opposition halfway. Resolutions made now will lead to a brighter future.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You may be tempted to do something drastic for the wrong reason. It isn’t that you shouldn’t make changes but rather how and why you go about it. Check out ways to better your skills or move to a location more conducive to the industry you work in.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Take what you know and have recently learned, and get moving in a new direction. Don’t let someone else’s unpredictable nature override what you know you have to accomplish. A new friendship can be established.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Rise above gossip and rumors. Make your own decision on what to believe and whom to support. Problems at home or with children or a loved one will require legal documentation to protect your interests.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Be your own spokesman or -woman and refuse to give in to pressure. Put your money in a safe place, and don’t hire anyone unlikely to give you your money’s worth. Figure out what you can do yourself.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): If you aren’t fair, you won’t win. A lover or companion will be upset with your actions if you bend the truth or intentionally hurt someone. Coming across as a class act will impress your greatest critic.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): An idea you have will bring about a change in your financial standing. Property investments will result in greater security and eventual prosperity. A relationship you cherish will be amplified if you are attentive.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Keep things to yourself, and you will avoid interference. Someone you trust will give you the heads-up to proceed with a plan to add to your skills. A past acquaintance or an experience you had long ago will influence a decision you have to make now.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Take a chance and listen to the advice being given by someone in a powerful position. You stand to prosper by following a plan of attack that has worked in the past. A partnership will prove to be beneficial.





Memos to the Stupid:

by Andrew Juhl

• The portions at family restaurants are excessively large because you’re meant to share or take some home, not eat it all. Single-handedly polishing off a 48-ounce porterhouse, then washing it down with a half-gallon of ranch-dipped garlic mashed potatoes does not make you more of a person, it makes you more of a person.

• Stop buying needlessly electronic-fied gadgets. Your jump rope does not need a laser sight and an automatic counter with a soothing voice. No piece of exercise equipment should be so advanced that the Olmecs would have worshipped it as a rival to Xt’Tapalatakettle.

• Just because you own a webcam does not mean that I will want to see your breasts. I *will*, but correlation does not indicate causality.

• Your cell-phone antenna doesn’t need to flash blue and red just because you’re talking, and the battery doesn’t need to light up like the Vegas Strip just because you’ve got an incoming call. If your cell phone carries enough wattage to safely land a jetliner in a blizzard, then you’re overcompensating.

• Simply adding the words “of course” to every other sentence does not make your logic infallible — it makes your arguments condescending. *Example*: The trumpeter swan is, of course, named after Charlie “Bird” Parker. See? I’m still a moron.

• No, you’re not still a virgin if you’re having anal sex. God doesn’t deal in technicalities. Besides, there’s another name for people who go to church but still think anal sex doesn’t count; they’re called “priests.”

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