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ARIES (March 21-April 19): If you are forceful in your approach to contracts, legal, financial, or health matters, you will make a profound statement. The way to get ahead is not by being a bystander. Fight for your rights.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You have to take a strong position. Your reputation may be at stake if you decide to let someone get away with unethical behavior. Emotional situations must be addressed swiftly.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You’ll be pulled in too many directions, and it will be necessary to say no to anyone putting demands on you. Put your efforts where you can make a difference, or you will end up spinning your wheels. Love will be captivating.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): You’ve got the right configuration going through your sign to be a winner professionally and personally, if you are willing to step out of your shell and play the game of life. Be confident, and you will gain respect, clout, advancement, and self-esteem.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You should have everyone eating out of your hand today. Before you put demands on people, make sure you are being fair. An act of injustice will come right back at you. If you aren’t sure about something or someone, back off until you have all your facts.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You can put up a good argument, but getting someone to listen may not be easy. Expect change to come at you with lightning speed. Adapt quickly in order to minimize the damage control required.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Let your imagination wander. If you can think it, you can do it, so stop procrastinating. Avoid pushy people or situations. Concentrate on the people who make a difference in your life.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Speak your mind, but be very sure you have your facts straight. Someone will challenge you every step of the way. Love is looking very good, giving you the go-ahead to bring on your mysterious Scorpio charm.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You may have to do some backtracking if you have done or said something wrong. Your ability to tell a story or exaggerate a situation may initially fly, but in time, the record will be set straight. Rethink your strategy.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You can make headway with contracts, investments, or alterations you want to make to your home and family. Change is good, and if you do things swiftly, you will bypass repercussions. Buying and selling is looking prosperous.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Look on the bright side. You will get wind of a job or project that interests you. Taking on a new game plan, idea, or outlook will ensure that you find your way into the industry, the circle of friends, or the organization you want to be part of.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Don’t give up on something you want to do just because you hit a roadblock. Back up, regroup, and you will come up with a new strategy. Chances are good that you should simplify what you want to do. Don’t let your emotions lead the way.

 

 

 

 


A partial list of things I should probably tell every prospective girlfriend:

by Andrew Juhl


• If it wasn’t for vodka, I might have scurvy. If it wasn’t for gin, I might have malaria. If it wasn’t for whiskey, I might have a college degree.

• I bought my sectional sofa entirely so I could make bigger couch forts.

• I have never and would never abuse drugs. I always make sure to store them as my dealer recommends.

• I’ve invested a lot of cash in Ford, but I’m not worried; my Pinto is hella-pimped, so it should resell well.

• I hate ferrets. If I wanted a foul-smelling creature living in my house, chewing on my couch fort, and defecating wherever it felt, I wouldn’t have put mom in a nursing home.

• As far as women go, I don’t really have a *type*. Except for maybe Scarlett Johansson. Yes, my type Scarlett Johansson. Or any Texas roadhouse waitress who might give me free food.

• I don’t mess around with matinées. Or manatees. (They’re endangered.)

• If I could be any famous person, living or dead, I’d choose living.

• Sometimes, I just don’t feel like drinking. Don’t worry; I soldier through.

• I roll the toilet paper over the roll, not under it. Like God intended. (Also, the pets like it.)

• I’m quite apt at maintaining an honest relationship using disingenuous feelings; I can stay with the same woman for years without even liking her. You tell me: How is that *not* marriage material?








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