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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Don’t give in to anyone giving you an ultimatum. Instead, continue in a positive direction. A professional deal is coming your way, but if you let an emotional issue affect your concentration, you won’t be able to take advantage.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Don’t go over budget with home-renovation projects. Do much of the labor yourself, and figure out ways to barter for the extras. Someone from your past may pose a problem.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Someone may try to persuade you that you need her or his help, but before you take it, ask what you have to give in return. You must choose candidates that will form the best team. Your ability to pull things together will lead to success.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Ask yourself how much you are actually enjoying life and what you do each day. It’s time to make some positive changes that will help you move in a better direction or that suits your personality better.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You need a little adventure in your life. If you can get away, even for just the day, do so. A change will spark your imagination and lead to a romantic encounter. Your emotional outlook is altered, but now is not the time to make a final decision.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You can take charge, but remember that whatever you do will influence your future. Let your practical side be the judge of what you share with others. If you keep things to yourself, you will have less explaining to do.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Expand your interests or get involved in something you enjoy doing, and you will meet someone new who will influence your future. Don’t rule out a professional partnership. Consider starting your own small business.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Don’t give in to pressure or to anyone giving you an ultimatum. Take control, and refuse to let anyone get a rise out of you that may show your emotional weakness. A short trip will be enlightening in terms of the information you collect.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Don’t give in to criticism. Just because someone pulls out of a deal or decides not to go along with your plans doesn’t mean you can’t forge ahead. Opportunity will knock if you embrace change and people who can complement your style.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You’ll have trouble controlling your emotions if you get into a feud with someone you deal with regularly. The less said, the better. Change may be necessary, but it doesn’t have to mean the loss of a friendship.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Gauge your response carefully, and don’t retaliate. Instead, operate under the pretense that everyone else will eventually see things your way. Move forward positively, and everything will fall into place.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Present yourself with a challenge, and you will have some fun. Your creativity and imagination will help you come up with some great plans. Progress will be yours as long as you aren’t afraid to go it alone.





Re-examining a few more well-known sayings:

by Andrew Juhl

• “Great minds think alike.” But greater minds steal ideas and take credit for them.

• “In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.” Yeah, but he’s king of a bunch of blind people. Yay for him.

• “It’s always darkest just before the dawn.” Actually, it’s always darkest just before it’s completely black.

• “No news is good news.” I am willing to bet there’re a few people on this paper’s Editorial Board who might disagree.

• “The best offense is a good defense.” Actually, in my experience the best offense is a good “GO SCREW YOURSELF!” followed by a ethnic epithet.

• “Ignorance is bliss.” I don’t know about this one. I mean, when’s the last time you saw a smiling member of the Aryan Brotherhood?

• “Behind every successful man there is a woman.” And behind every successful woman there are a bunch of less successful women talking about how “that bitch” must have slept her way to the top.

• “The best way to a man’s heart is to go through his stomach.” Alternatively, if you are in possession of one of the Adi Shankara stones, you can remove the still-beating organ from your victim’s chest while chanting “Kali Ma! Kali Ma!”

• “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” You just to make sure you peg him in the crotch with it. (Use your slider.)

• “Time heals all wounds.” Except when you lose an eye. That eye’s pretty much gone forever.

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