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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Take things as they come. If you are too quick to jump, you will give the wrong impression. Look back in time, and you will remember someone who can offer you what you are in need of now.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Take an honest assessment of who you are and what you are capable of doing. It’s time to fine-tune your talents and make them work for you. Simplicity will be the key to getting ahead.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Let your emotions take over, and you will resolve some of the challenges you face. Your Gemini charm will guide you to the winner’s circle. You’ll see how quickly doors will open, and offers will appear.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Change is good, even if you don’t like it much. Take a look around you, and you will discover what is required of you. It won’t be as much of a stretch as you first thought, so get the ball rolling. Time is important if you want to make some changes to your future happiness.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): It’s up to you to set the standards. Incorporate fun into whatever you do. It will make all the difference to the way you feel about what you do and the way others see you. Your hands-on approach will contribute to your success.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Keep your cash and your credit cards in a safe place. You don’t have to put out financially to impress someone. Let your personality be the deciding factor in the way someone feels about you.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): If you have fun, everyone around you will join in and help. Mix your personal and professional life. However, when it comes to making a financial decision, keep your emotions out of it.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Your talent and what you’ve been able to accomplish will grab the interest of someone wanting to get involved in what you are doing. The few changes you make now will determine how much you end up with. Don’t sell yourself short.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A new outlook will help you to turn things around at home. The changes will lift your spirits and help you form a better relationship with someone in your life who counts. Love and romance should be addressed, and a commitment or alteration made.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You may like to be in control, but you are better off hearing what everyone else has to say before divulging your position. You will be misinterpreted if you aren’t careful. Find a way to differentiate yourself from others.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): It’s all about how you feel about what you do. You can attract positive people who are easy to get along with. They, in turn, will help you get good results, leading to a brighter future. Expand your horizons.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Sit and wait instead of rushing into something that may not work for you. Don’t let your emotions take over, or you may ruin what you already have. Be intelligent about the way you handle the people you deal with regularly.





April Fools’ Day prank ideas:

by Andrew Juhl

• Sneak into the victim’s car and adjust everything: radio at full volume, wipers on high, air conditioning on max setting, seats pushed all the way forward, parked at the bottom of the Iowa River, etc.

• Point at your victim’s chest, acting like he has a spot on his shirt. When he looks down, sleep with his significant other.

• Make a batch of caramel apples and pass them around to a group of people, your victim included. Only, make sure your victim gets the one that’s actually an onion and laced with PCP. Then, tell your boss you think your victim is on drugs and should be urine tested.

• When your victim is in the shower, sneak in and grab his clothes, all the towels, and the bathmat. When he emerges from the shower with nothing to dry them off, take naked pictures and post them on the Internet.

• Remember that “Drew Carey Show” episode in which Mimi drugged Drew and then air-freighted him to China without a passport? Chloroform your victim, tie him up, and make him watch that episode on a loop for a week.

• Put some salt on the victim’s toothbrush, and then stab him in the leg with it. It’s funny, because the salt will sting in the freshly opened wound.

• While the victim is asleep, reset all the clocks ahead two hours. Then, just before the real time he normally wakes up, burst into the bedroom and tell him he’s late and that there is no such thing as true love.

• Offer to make a sandwich for the victim. Then don’t. Wow … you’re a dick.

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