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ARIES (March 21-April 19): You can make gains financially, vocationally, and emotionally. A chance meeting or an intentional contact with someone from your past will lead to an opportunity to make extra cash in your spare time.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Something is going on behind your back, so before you make any earth-shattering decisions, find out the truth. Someone may be leading you on. Don’t trust anyone offering something too good to be true.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Take a look at what happened in the past, and you will know exactly how to handle your current situation. If someone gets aggressive, turn away. You’ll do better with people you have known a long time so reconnect with someone from your past.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Uncertainty will cloud your day, causing you to second-guess everything you do. Your emotions will be erratic and will confuse you. You must not try to resolve something that needs more time to settle down.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Have some fun, and you will entice others to get involved in the activities about which you feel strongly. Love is on the rise, and you can turn a relationship that interests you into something substantial.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Don’t play games, or you will end up with the short end of the stick. Be ready to say no to anyone trying to bait you. Focus on yourself, your family, and your home, not outsiders trying to get a piece of your action.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Stop waiting for someone else to make a move when the spotlight is on you. Love relationships will flourish. Expand your mind, your philosophy, and your awareness of other cultures.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Don’t get carried away with trivial matters. You can spin your wheels all you want, but that won’t help you get ahead. Regardless of the outcome, it’s how you conduct yourself on the journey. Be strong, and follow your instincts.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You’ll be drawn to the people who have always been there for you. Love will play an important role in a decision regarding your location and your future. Strive for perfection, but don’t miss an opportunity because you aren’t ready.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Don’t spend if you don’t have to, and certainly do not hand out cash for someone else’s mistake. Be strong when it comes to your personal life. It’s better to say no and spare yourself future costs and emotional upset than to get in over your head financially and personally.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Make some moves to lift your spirits and bring you greater comfort at home. Form a coalition with someone who has the same background and ambitions as you. Your insight will guide you to make the right decision.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Take a second look at your situation, and make note of what someone with more experience tells you. Poor decisions will result in a mishap or even injury if you aren’t careful. You will be tempted to act in haste — don’t cave to the pressure.

 

 

 

 


Laws I will enact when I become president (in 2021):

by Andrew Juhl


• If elected, I promise to put an end to all wide-release films starring Vin Diesel, John Cena, and other lower primates.

• Under my administration, anyone who “stars” in a reality television program shall afterwards be relegated to Nebraska and forbade exit under penalty of death. This law shall be enforced with shock collars, electronic tracking anklets, and the (hopefully) out-of-work actors Vin Diesel and John Cena. Those attempting escape shall become stars of a brand-new reality series: “The Most Dangerous Game.”

• All future border disputes shall be solved with rousing games of Don’t Break The Ice! (Queensbury rules, of course.)

• The Presidential Seal shall be redesigned to be all slanty, with speed lines — making it EXTREME! Also, I’m turning the bald eagle into an epic-level emerald dragon that breathes ass-kickery.

• I shall commission a crack squad of battle-hardened commandos to hunt down and destroy the zombie advice columnist known as Abigail Van Buren.

• People who talk on their cell phone during the middle of a movie in a crowded theater shall be required to have “I AM AN ASSHOLE” tattooed somewhere on their face. Numerous offenses will require numerous tattoos.

• It shall be illegal for any parents to enter their children into kiddie pageantry unless those parents first sign a contract stating they are willing to be dressed up in silly costumes, mentally abused, and photographed against their will should they ever become elderly, demented, and incapable of vocalizing their opposition.









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