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ARIES (March 21-April 19): You need to get rid of anything or anyone holding you back. Organization will be required to fulfill responsibilities that you promised you would take care of. A new beginning will be easier once you clear the way.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Put your skills to work for you. Offer services that you have perfected over the years. Stick to your budget, and do not give in to sales that promise you the impossible. It’s amazing what you can do when backed against a wall.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You will be disappointed if you bank everything you’ve got on a plan that isn’t foolproof. Promises made will be broken because of circumstances beyond your control. Be clear about what you have to offer.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Separate business from pleasure if you want things to run smoothly. A love relationship may need an adjustment before it’s too late to do anything about something you have grown to dislike. Take a serious look at the changes needed at home.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): It’s time to expand your awareness, try new things, and open up possibilities you have never considered. Travel or getting together with people who have similar interests will help you attract love and romance as well.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Don’t be tempted to spend your cash on something you really don’t need. A tight budget will allow you to save for something you really want or that can help you get ahead in the future. Avoid anything that threatens your long-term security.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You need to network with as many people as possible about your plans for the future. Someone will take an interest and help you find the perfect outlet for your ideas. You can take something you really enjoy doing and turn it into a viable commodity.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You have more to offer than you realize, so put your talents to work for you. A change of plans will be your advantage. An honest, emotional attempt to get your way will work, so share your feelings.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Before you move forward with anyone or with a deal you are involved in, make sure everyone — including yourself — is there for the right reasons. It will be easy for something to go wrong and anger to set in. Don’t send the wrong signal.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): A personal conflict will leave you wondering if you should make some changes in your life. A different job or project will help give you some ideas about where to head spiritually and vocationally. Don’t give in to peer pressure.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You can’t say yes to everyone and manage to get the things you have to get done finished. Make suggestions, but don’t give up cash or precious time. Erratic behavior must be treated accordingly, so don’t give in.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You will be unpredictable and impulsive in your actions, and this can cost you both emotionally and financially. It is important for you to trust in someone whom you respect. Keep busy, and avoid arguments.





Advertising slogan first drafts:

by Andrew Juhl

• HBO: It’s not TV, it’s HBO, which is a channel on your TV.

• RadioShack: You’ve got questions, we’ve got salespeople who like to condescend.

• Verizon Wireless: We put in almost a 40-hour work week for you.

• Taco Bell: Think outside grade A-through-D meat.

• Timex: It’ll still work after you beat the crap out of it.

• Nike: Just do something … anything.

• Kix: Animal-and-kid-tested, mother-approved.

• Avis: We try harder, which makes it all the more heartbreaking when we fail you miserably.

• Duracell: You can’t top the copper top, unless you use gold, which we don’t because then our batteries would cost too much for most people to afford.

• McDonald’s: I’m eatin’ it!

• Wheaties: The breakfast of champions and everyone else, too! (I mean, hey, we can’t all be winners, buddy.)

• Clairol Herbal Essences: It’ll make you moan like a cheap prostitute.

• American Express: Don’t leave home without it. Or a gun. You know, in case of werewolves.

• Maybelline: Maybe she’s born with it, but you’re not, so use our products and seethe with inward hatred.

• Sure: Sniff your pits if you’re Sure.

• U.S. Army: Be all you can be, unless it’s queer.

• Burger King: Take it or leave it.

• New York Times: News and shit.

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