Coming to a CIA near you

BY BRIAN DAU | MARCH 25, 2009 7:30 AM

Earlier this month, aging pop star Gloria Estefan revealed in a Telemundo interview that the CIA once offered her a job as a spy while she was an interpreter at Miami International Airport, before she became an internationally renowned singer. Though Estefan claims to have turned down the opportunity, one wonders if other celebrities have received similar offers from the nation’s espionage agency. What follows is a dossier on the high-profile people most likely to be recruited by the United States for covert work.

Kiefer Sutherland
CIA Gadget: The entire “24” set
As the actor behind Jack Bauer, all-around superspy on Fox’s “24,” Sutherland is an obvious choice to be a real-life operative. He gets to practice his spy techniques every day in the studio, and any field work he does can easily be written off as “method acting” gone awry. Well played, CIA.

Amy Winehouse
CIA Gadget: Keeps a five-person counterterrorist sleeper cell in her hair.
How do we know our British friends are keeping America’s best interests at heart? Sure, she’s a total loose cannon, but no doubt the rebellious pop star would be more than willing to spy on the country that loves to hate her.

Bill Cosby
CIA Gadget: Chocolate pudding
Cosby always had perfect control over the family unit as Dr. Cliff Huxtable on “The Cosby Show.” His charisma and wisdom would serve him well on any mission, like a codgerly sort of James Bond. What’s that brown powder you’ve got there, Bill? It looks like pudding mix, but maybe it’s a high-quality explosive or a fast-acting poison.

Norville Rogers
CIA Gadget: Master of disguises
Codename: “Shaggy.” His ability to solve any crime (or at least pin it on the janitor) is unmatched among the sleuthing world. When pursued, Shaggy has the uncanny ability to enter one room in a hallway only to come out a completely different one. His only conjectured weakness is a crippling addiction to marijuana.

Dane Cook
CIA Gadget: Can take off his shirt in 0.3 seconds
Well, he’s not funny, so he certainly isn’t spending his time writing jokes.

Paris Hilton
CIA Gadget: Hypnotizing vacant stare
Everyone hates her, she’s dumb as hell, and she has no discernible talents to speak of. Can you think of a better cover for a top secret agent or an international assassin? Perhaps there’s more to this heiress than meets the eye.

The Jonas Brothers
CIA Gadget: Abstinence Rings
Much like Captain Planet, the JoBros can bring together their chastity rings to summon a fiery demon monster of purity. Also, they have more influence over America’s youth than Santa Claus.

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