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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Consider what you want to accomplish in terms of your relationships, comfort, and status. You can make some decisions based on the encounters you have with people from different backgrounds. Get involved in a humanitarian cause.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Surprise others with your choices. You have to stay one step ahead of everyone else and not give in or give up because of the competition. Take on a challenge, and show your strength of character and courage.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Everything will be out in the open and easy for you to see. Don’t get emotional when there is so much you can accomplish if you are focused on what you want. Added responsibilities for younger or older relatives or friends can be expected.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): The time to look for a new job or to get involved in a project that is different and captures your interest is now. Don’t give up what you’ve already got until you know you have something to go to. Change is apparent, but stay in control.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Gatherings, travel, or even a convention will lead to some interesting contacts. Don’t be surprised if someone from your past plays a role in a decision you have to make regarding love, contracts, or a partnership. Expand your horizons.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Don’t give in to a sob story, threats, or ultimatums. Stand your ground, and show you aren’t a pushover. You can make headway with the people you have to deal with. Serious talks will bring about change.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Everything is there for you to excel, make improvements, or enjoy your life — just make the effort. An encounter with someone you care for will lead to life-changing plans. Dealing with children will be a positive learning experience.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Don’t be fooled by a fast talker or someone who wants too much from you. Self-deception will be your enemy, so be sure to rule out any misconception you may have about the possibilities of what you are trying to accomplish.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You need to make some changes regarding your earning potential and the way you are doing things. Pick up a new skill, or try something altogether different. Someone who cares for you will encourage you to move in the direction best for you.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You don’t have to be aggressive to get what you want. Don’t let a personal relationship you have with someone interfere with what you need to do to get ahead. Children will be a source of inspiration.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Experience can be gathered by getting involved in something different or signing up for a course that interests you. Most of all, do things that are different from your normal routine. The interaction you have with others will spark your imagination.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Keep your emotions well-hidden. Observing others will help you make the right choices. Someone you respect will open your eyes to the reality you are facing regarding your current relationship with someone from your past.





100 Shots of Beer in 100 Minutes:

by Andrew Juhl

• Shot 14: I’m hungry all of a sudden. I could really go for some eggs right now.

• Shot 15: I wonder why eggs don’t taste like chicken.

• Shot 16: I guess it’s probably for the same reason that milk and cheese don’t taste like beef.

• Shot 17: I wonder why milk and cheese don’t taste like beef.

• Shot 18: I wonder if you could make cheese out of breast milk.

• Shot 19: If you could make cheese out of breast milk, that’d be tits.

• Shot 20: I shouldn’t be allowed to have this much time alone with my thoughts.

• Shot 21: Maybe I should’ve brought some porn along for all this downtime.

• Shot 22: You’d think February would be a better retail month than November. You know, February has four Black Fridays.

• Shot 23: Yep, definitely should’ve brought some porn along.

• Shot 24: Nothing gross, though — just some normal, everyday girl-on-guy-on-girl-with-a-midget-introduced-into-the-scene-at-some-point pornography would be nice.

• Shot 25: … Though I’d hate for the paramedics to find me dead of alcohol poisoning with porn on freeze-framed on the TV.

• Shot 26: I don’t wanna die like that, and I don’t wanna die before visiting New Zealand.

• Shot 27: And I don’t wanna die before visiting Japan.

• Shot 28: And I don’t wanna die before visiting the hospital.

• Shot 29: Man, all this thinking about death is harshing my buzz; it’s reminding me of Uncle Ralph’s passing.

• Shot 30: Yeah, Ralph’s death was really difficult on me — especially the making it look like an accident part.

• Shot 31: Wow, I should NOT be allowed this much time alone with my thoughts.

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