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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Judge your next move based on your own position and what you want to see unfold. Talks will help, but only with those who are already on board. It’s OK to sit back and observe.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): A past problem at work will surface again if you didn’t take care of it the first time around. Rely on your allies in order to win a better position. It’s all about standing up for your rights.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Someone will pull a fast move that could derail your plans. Uncertainty regarding some of your social and family relationships must be put aside and not be allowed to influence what needs to be done immediately.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): You’ve got more going for you than you realize. Take a stab at something you enjoy doing. Changes to your environment will enable you to find a space that contributes to your comfort and peace of mind.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Love is skyrocketing, and solid ground can be found on which to build your life. Past connections that were never allowed to develop will now help to fulfill your dreams, hopes, and wishes for the future.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You’ve got a lot at stake, and if you don’t resolve past issues first, you may lose out on something good. A little fancy talking, a few crucial maneuvers, and you should be in the ballpark for an opportunity that develops.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your best offers will come from the past, and with your ability to develop and creatively and intelligently put things together, you will find yourself placed in a key position. Social activities and networking will be to your advantage.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Get out and about where you can breath easily and discover what it is you really want to see happen. Get away from your normal routine and negative people. It will help you gain a clear picture of what you must do. It’s up to you to bring about positive change in your life.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Someone will try to outmaneuver you by making last-minute alterations or decisions. Don’t fall into an unstable trap. Follow your heart, and stay within your means financially, mentally, and emotionally. Positive changes should be made at work and at home.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Everything will depend on how you feel and what you do. Don’t let an emotional relationship cause you to second-guess your next move. An interesting change in what you do to earn a living will allow you to go in a direction that has always interested you.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You’ll be looking through rose-colored glasses, and you must give yourself a reality check. Put things in perspective. You may be surprised to find out who’s been watching and waiting for you to notice her or him.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Be forgiving, open, and respectful of others. Consider your own faults, and fix anything you have left unfinished. Change will bring about stability and a better future.

A Few More Things I Learned from a Lifetime of Watching Movies:

by Andrew Juhl


- Semis are simple to operate and maneuver, requiring absolutely no previous training or experience, and should be among your first choices when choosing a vehicle to commandeer.

- Cavewomen had easy access to (and ample skill with) eyeliner, rouge, and leg razors.

- A fall from any height is survivable (such as the roof of a house or the top of a Vegas hotel) so long as it is broken by any body of water (such as a lake or the hotel pool).

- If any AI has a calm, soothing voice and complete control over an environment, chances are it will go crazy and start killing people.

- Almost any vehicle can absorb almost any impact caused by almost any car chase … unless it’s a road-trip comedy.

- Sex is gentle, sensual, and clean — requiring no water breaks, verbal communication, or postcoital cleanup.

- Overturning trashcans and throwing debris behind you in an effort to slow your pursuers takes significantly more time than a flat-out run and will prove useless in the end.

- A rusty machete (or chain saw in severe disrepair) can cleanly cleave limbs from living human beings.

- When pursing the criminal element down a crowded street, gun held aloft, shouting “Stop! Police!” do not expect any help from the good citizens it is your sworn duty to protect and serve. In fact, you should be prepared to put your shoulder into it.










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