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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Promote love and good times. The encounters you have had with different people you’ve helped out will be honored now, so do not hesitate to ask for help or to share your plans. An unexpected surprise will cause alterations.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): It’s no one’s business what you are doing with whom, and by being vocal, you will invite opposition. Don’t make promises without knowing what you will get in return. A professional change will be dependent on the decisions you make now.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Make the changes that will help you get ahead. You can be a leader who makes a difference, so don’t hold back. If someone questions you, address that person, and continue confidently down the path you have chosen.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): You may have to be a little more creative with your money, but that doesn’t mean you should invest in some fast-cash scheme. Don’t fear trying something new or pushing for advancement. Utilize your skills to the fullest.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You have what it takes to sway people to think the same way you do. If you can form a group, you will be a driving force, accomplishing what you set out to do. A partnership could unravel your plans.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Keep your emotions out of your decision-making if you don’t want to make a mistake. Hard work, lots of detail, and not letting others meddle will determine the outcome of whatever you are trying to achieve.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You have positioned yourself well, so don’t let anyone cause you to question your choices. A unique approach to life, love, and creativity will bring others to your side, giving you the strength to follow through with your plans.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Criticism will discourage you, and it can be avoided if you are diligent and perfect what you are pursuing. It’s not worth the risk of losing the confidence of someone who can help you in the future.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You have to take action based on what you feel is right, not what someone else is telling you. Have faith in who you are and what you can do. An imaginative approach to some of your old projects can turn things around drastically now.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Taking chances is for amateurs who don’t know how to play the game. You can stay in control by keeping things as stable, simple, and safe as possible. Change will come when the time is right.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You will build strength of character by pursuing things that are good for you — like a fitness regime and healthy diet. Learning will lead to a whole new world of prosperity and increased self-esteem. Show confidence in all that you do.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): It’s time to venture into talks with someone who can contribute to what you are working on. A past partnership that was shaky or ended on bad terms needs to be readdressed and re-established in order to finish what you began.

A Few More Things I Learned from a Lifetime of Watching Movies:

by Andrew Juhl


- Exactly three people have to die gruesomely before there’s even a chance that the one person in any group who might know why people are gruesomely dying admits to the group that he might know why people are dying gruesomely. After the person explains his theory on why people might be gruesomely dying, he will be proven correct and die … gruesomely.

- The act of killing attractive, promiscuous teenagers gives one supernatural strength and pseudo-immortality.

- Jumping out of moving car or from a moving train will get you dirty, but it will not hurt you.

- Oftentimes, middle- and high-school sports teams from the same city or conference have vastly different levels of equipment and facilities; it is not at all uncommon to find a Pop Warner league in which one team has a private field and its own masseuse and another team cannot afford padding or helmets.

- Everything in the world is slightly irradiated. This is why, at nighttime, all furniture and walls emanate a faint blue luminosity, visible only in the absence of artificial light.

- The complete annihilation of the human species also requires the utter destruction of our buildings, technology, infrastructure, and wildlife because advanced aliens species cannot comprehend the advantages of a fast-acting, tailor-made biological contagion.

- Every coach gives a fiery, uplifting speech during every halftime. That is why they are so good at it by the time of the Big Game.









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