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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Don’t let emotional troubles interfere with what you need to do. Keeping busy will lead to your success. Not everyone will see things your way, but if you are willing to do the work yourself, you will prove how valuable you are and have good results.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Someone will take advantage of you if you aren’t careful. Do not volunteer for something without knowing the full extent of what’s being asked of you. A love interest may entice you to do things that, under any other circumstances, you wouldn’t do.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): A good idea that someone has will help you out as well. This is a great time to ask for a raise or to make a professional change, but make sure you have a better job to go to before you quit your current position.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): A positive change is within your reach. Talk to whoever is in charge, and let her or him know what you want to do. Don’t take no for an answer, and be prepared to use your own money and ideas to get what you want.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You’ll be attracted to someone who motivates you. Make sure you keep things simple. Complicating your personal life by mixing business with pleasure will not bring good results. Separate your emotions from the equation.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Change is upon you. Someone you least expect will use one of your old ideas for her or his own benefit. Don’t let anyone take credit for your contributions.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You’ve got everything going your way, so don’t let laziness stop you from getting what you deserve. You have to push forward and take action. Force shouldn’t be necessary — use intelligence coupled with a little hard work.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Be careful how you handle friends, relatives, and your lover. Poor communication will lead to misunderstandings, and false information will lead to a change of plans. Protect your assets.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You may think everything is going well, but behind closed doors, someone is doing you an injustice. Be careful how you present any information you have, especially if it can influence your position. Be upfront about your intentions.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): An emotional attachment to someone may prevent you from seeing what this person is actually up to and how it can hurt you in the end. Don’t be fooled by compliments or gestures of friendliness. Get the facts, and act on them.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Emotional deception may lead to a poor decision regarding a past partner. Keep your distance, and don’t make any moves that you may regret. Your options are greater than you realize. Don’t let loneliness be your guide.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You may know what you want, but underlying factors may stand in your way. You have to be straight about your wants and needs if you expect to gain respect and be able to follow through with your plans. Don’t let your own uncertainty be your downfall.

Valentine’s Day Massacre:

by Andrew Juhl

At 3 p.m. on Valentine’s Day I still didn’t have a date. This fact was unsurprising, as women frequently seem to find me unapproachably intimidating — often going so far as to quit themselves to different establishments en masse whenever I enter a restaurant, bar, or Curves locker room. But seeing as I am a man of unbounded attractiveness, suavity, and self-delusion, I began methodically calling women I knew to be of a loose moral standing based on information obtained from many accumulated hours of reading downtown men’s room walls and innumerable eavesdropped sorority-house conversations (Note to self: Have rappelling harness dry-cleaned).

My 53rd call finally resulted in an amenable soul (who was not also my first cousin, her mother, or a man with a frustratingly gender-ambiguous first name — but thanks for the offer, Jaime), so I proceeded to slather my neck and appendages with a mixture of Axe body spray, Brut cologne, and Sugar-free Red Bull — a concoction known to my roommate and I as “Gonna Git Some Juice.”

I arrived at her apartment in my mustang. Then, I apologized to my mustang for what must have been an uncomfortable journey, tied it to a tree, and thanked it for teaching me how to be a more responsive lover. That’s when I saw her, or at least all of her that the unobstructed human field of vision allows.

To describe her in a single word, you would have to use “woman.” Given three words, you might say “probably a woman” or “likely a female” or even “KILL IT, PLEASE.” But you are not I, who, if given three words, takes four, and makes one a contraction, saying, “Let’s go, Sugartits.”

And, as grammarians say, the night went good. But, alas, I did not “git some.” Instead, I came home from my wonderful evening and wrote a completely fabricated story for today’s Ledge.

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